Mom has been in and out of the emergency room all weekend. All she knows is that she can't keep food down, and it causes her excruciating pain to eat, and she's dizzy and nauseous. The ultrasound showed nothing. The endoscopy showed nothing. Tomorrow, she's got a CAT scan.

Call me crazy, but I am so afraid that she's going to die. I mean, the very thought of it is sending me into full-blown panic mode on the other side of this screen.

God, no, NO! You can't do this to us! We're just learning how to trust you! We're actually talking about it and sharing about you and the Bible and spiritual things, and connecting on levels we never have before... our relationship is just getting to the good part. You can't do this to me! Don't take her, please!

When it rains, it pours. Larry died. Now there's this whole turmoil thing happening at church involving some of my best friends being attacked... now Mom is sick...

God, you have to help me figure out how to handle all this stuff. I feel claustrophobic... the walls of my life are closing in on me, and I don't know what to do. I just... can't deal with this right now. I need to sleep. I may or may not actually sleep.

I have no words to describe the panicky grief that washes over me at intervals.

Is there nothing safe, nothing sacred? Is all of life this dance of welcoming happiness in, and then having it ripped from your sagging arms?

Is there anything, anything at all, that I can trust down to the core? Is there any place where I will not have the fear of loss hovering over my heart?

What can I trust? It seems like everything is being torn from me. 

How much pain can the human heart endure before it simply stops beating?

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