I feel much better!

It's amazing how much my family speaks in movie quote.

Anyway, I felt better after eating supper with the fam, and talking to my friend B on the phone. For a long time, it was just him, me, and C-- best buds. Out of our circle of friends, they were the only two responsible ones (i.e. could hold a job for a long period of time, didn't have kids, didn't do drugs, etc.) As I look back at where we were, I wonder why I sometimes crave it. I had no deep relationships, no safety... which is maybe what made it feel safe. No risk of intimacy.

Anyway, he and I had a chance to catch up a little bit. His son is 2 years old now. I can't believe it! Well, I can. It sounds like he's a good daddy.

We talked about C for a while, too. He has a girlfriend! I'm glad. But apparently it's not going so well, and he's thinking about ending it. I said, "Well, I'm glad he's moving on." (For a long time, it didn't seem as though he was.) I mean, he's got a house now, he's got friends that come over... he's got a life now. (Albeit not the life that I would choose, but still... for C, it's huge, HUGE progress, and that makes me happy!)

But he (C) has told B that he's never going to try as hard in a relationship as he did with me. B said that, if I ever wanted to go back, he'd probably jump at the chance. *sigh* That knowledge is a sweet poison. I don't want to go back... but knowing that I could... makes it seem all the more tempting. I mean, I knew that, but now I know, from a source outside my own conjectures. And it saddens me to think that my leaving could have dampered his spirit so... though I know it was best for both of us. Really. I know he doesn't believe that, but it's true. We were both so dysfunctional... we need our alone-ness to heal.

I also found out something that made me royally angry. We also talked a little about Christianity, and I told him about the conclusions that I'd come to about why C would not come to church, or believe in God, or w/e. Well, get this... there are more reasons why he hates church. I had forgotten about one incident he told me about, where a woman divorced her abusive husband and was kicked out of the church. He was so steamed about that! It went against every grain of what he understood to be justice. Not to mention that Christians are always talking about not judging, about loving, and about forgiving... but then they do something like that, and it shows up as diametrically opposed to what they have been talking about. Now, I also understand the church's perspective, but I'm focusing on what C saw.

Keep C's loathing of hypocrisy in mind, because this will rock your world and make you cry. Towards the end, he would drop me off at church on Sabbath morning, and pick me up after church. One time while he was there, he heard somebody badmouthing him-- right there at the church! "Oh, isn't it terrible that C is with that horrible guy, blah blah blah"

And you know what? I do not blame him for not wanting to step a foot into that church ever again. He never told me, because he knew that I loved the church and the people in it, and he didn't want to hurt me.

And I HATE with a vehement passion that the person badmouthing my then fiance never, ever took into account that, if it weren't for C, I probably wouldn't have finished school. It was because of C that I was able to keep my jobs. He provided stability for me when I had none, and kept me from walking down a very, very dark path. You don't even know. How DARE you do this thing? Someday, you will have to account for the fact that you burned someone who was, against all odds, maybe giving church (and, by extension, God) a chance again. And yes, I know, I know that C's response is his responsibility. I know this. But he has learned to self-protect for survival. That's one of the dysfunctions that he was raised with. So, when a situation comes when he is faced with pain, he protects himself by withdrawal and anger. Yeah, it makes sense. But it really, really, really angers me that this  kind of stuff happens.

Britt and I proceeded to ascend our soapboxes and talk about how much we hate that kind of stuff. He has a story similar to mine-- people (or person) in the church screwing over his family, and he is rightfully angry about it. The church is supposed to be a place of safety and refuge, not a place of poison and malice.

Oh, God... may I never, ever be the perpetrator of such hideous evils.

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