Boyfriend. It's a good thing I don't have one, because I would alternate between obsessive neediness and despondent antisociality. (Yes. It's a word... now.)

I did realize, though, as I was thinking on the way to and from racquetball last night, that when you're in a relationship (say, for instance, married), there is a certain degree of mutual need. It's okay to need that other person. Why are people so devastated when they lose their mates? If they were independent islands, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I need my family, too. I need my mom, and she's going into surgery today, and it's freaking the living daylights out of me.

But, back on track... I've had this pet theory that I'll be ready for a relationship when I get to the point that I don't need another person at all, that I'll be able to be totally self-sufficient and untouched, so that if the relationship ends, it won't affect me. You know... "just Jesus and me." But it occurred to me last night... that's not the case. That's not how it works. Maybe that's why relationships are so scary... because they involve... trust. Allowing another person to matter and to have impact in your life. Needing them and allowing them to need you. I guess that's the scarily insidious thing about putting up those walls to keep people out-- sure, you never need people, but you never allow them to truly need you either. It's like you don't matter. Because that's part of the joy of life, isn't it? Needing and being needed? Fulfilling and being fulfilled? Giving and receiving?

Trust. Here we go again. I was running this whole idea through my head last night on the way to r-ball (and no, I didn't bring it to the group... by the time I got there, it just seemed to personal... and I was afraid they might try to "fix" me. I don't want that.). Some musings came to the surface, such as...

Motive. Motive is a huge factor in trust, I've realized. I mean, you can trust someone all the livelong day, but if their motive is to destroy you, then you're gonna get burned, and, well, destroyed. Take, for instance, my ex-stepfather. Did I trust him? Kinda-sorta-not-really. I wanted him to love me, that's for sure. And I trusted him to take care of my basic necessities, because he was the adult and I was the child. It didn't work out. His motive was to make sure he was happy and comfortable at all times, and screw everyone else. I was one of those everyone-else's.

I see now that my trust was misplaced (though I can hardly expect a child to understand and act on that), and that he didn't deserve it, because his motive was not for my benefit.

I think that's the issue I have with you, God. I can trust you, sure... but am I gonna wish I hadn't? What's your motive? People talk about how I can trust you totally because you sent Jesus to die for us, and isn't that proof of your wonderful love?

Yeah, but... I mean, anyone can do something nice and totally awesome once. Even Gary was good to us once in a while.

So what is the bedrock? You know what I mean? Do you really have my best interest in mind? How do I know that? I'm just afraid of being used again... and you're bigger than I am.

I believe you exist. Why? The natural world. The complexity and intricacy of the world around me convinces me that there is a Creator... and that's you. Plus, you've answered prayers.

I believe the Bible is true. Why? Daniel 2. Prophecy. It's too clear and accurate to be guessing. It has occurred to me that part of the Bible could be real and part could be fake. I do know that I have a lot of questions still. But I guess it all comes back to the same thing, in the end... trust. You gotta trust something. Whether it's a scientist's conjectures, your physics textbook, your own two eyes, or the Bible, at some point you must choose to believe that the source of the input your are receiving is truth.

So the question then, is this: What am I going to trust?

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