Today, I have been responsible. More so this evening, than anything else... because I didn't roll out of bed until 8:30. The horror! The humanity! The 9 hours of sleep and then an hour of daydreaming! The I can't believe how bad that actually sounds until I write it down! Heh.

Well, leisure time, I bid you adieu. I got a job as a sub waitress/dishwasher at a local restaurant today. I work tomorrow and the day after, and can I just take a moment here to mention how much I dislike working in the food industry? Good thing it's not all the time. Still, it's something to be endured, not enjoyed... especially a joint like that. They're notorious for having a bad working environment. But a paycheck is a paycheck... and I'm alarmingly low on funds.

So, after catching my first appointment of the day, I headed over for a hastily arranged orientation at said restaurant. Then I ran an errand, caught my other appointment for the day, headed home, and dutifully did my duties. I made lunch and supper for tomorrow, I filled out all my paperwork, I took care of the cats and the mess that they made while I was gone (one accidentally got locked in the pantry this morning and freaked out. He knocked a jar of applesauce and two jars of peaches off the shelves onto the cement floor. Sigh.). I didn't overeat at suppertime, and I took my medicine. I have been responsible.

There's something about being responsible that sucks the energy, joy, and life out of me. LOL. Is this why grownups wear drab colors?

Eh, on second thought, it's just that it's been a long day, and... I realize that I'm working at a restaurant. Mer.

D went in to surgery today. I prayed for him quite a bit, but I'm not frightened, or worried, or sad, or happy, or... anything. I haven't let myself feel anything about it. It's odd to feel nothing about something so typically emotion-inducing. He's in ICU now, from what I understand. The surgery was quite extensive.

As I was writing that last paragraph, one of the new kittens, Holly, had a seizure. It freaked the living daylights out of me-- I thought she was going to die right there in front of me. The vet says that, though they look horrible, it's okay. If she has multiple seizures, it means she has epilepsy, and we'll have to put her on meds. She's fine now, though.

There's a fly spinning around in circles on my floor, like a buzzing top. Has this whole world gone mad?! (Upon closer inspection, I see that it is because it somehow landed upside down, on its back. How does that even happen??)

Now, responsibly, I am going to bed, so I can go to work tomorrow like a good adult.

Would it change anything if I claimed I had the soul of an artist? That typical work isn't for me? No? Oh, well. Guess I'm going to work, then. :)

Besides... I have the goal of getting rid of my car and getting a truck and fifth wheel, so I don't have to live in an apartment. Wouldn't that be super cool?!

I got this from Homespun Simplicity, and I really like it-- thought I'd give it a try.

For today... Sunday, October 30, 2011

Outside my window... The remnants of last night's light frost are almost gone. Warm sunlight washes over everything, but doesn't do much to dispel the chill of the air coming through the window. Birds are singing, and all is apparently right with the world.

I am thinking... of what I'd like to get accomplished today, and also thinking how we really can't know what the day holds. I can make plans, but the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

I am thankful... for the warmth of my house, for having the house all to myself while I process and recharge (introverts, you know ^_^), for the cats that bring delight to my life, and that I have food and shelter.

From the learning room... I've been studying God's holy days. Quite fascinating. Quite intriguing. Quite... interesting.

I am wearing... my pajamas. :)

I am going... Absolutely nowhere today. I am going to work in the garden, plant the overlooked cabbage and kale seedlings, put up produce, and sort through my hope chest (what do I want/need to take with me when I move out?). I am also going to begin planning our church's Christmas Concert dealie. And, time permitting, I'm going to work on a couple of going-away gifts. I'm definitely going to tackle the remainder of my school application today.

I am reading... He Loves Me! by Wayne Jacobsen and Best Loved Poems of the American People.

I am hoping... to accomplish a lot today without having to prod myself on with guilt or shame.

I am looking forward to... Moving into my very own little apartment! I was researching apartments last night, and I'm getting jazzed.

I am hearing... The breathy hum of my heater, birds outside, and the clicking of my fingers on the keyboard.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Adventurers planning session tomorrow, along with getting the Christmas Concert sorted out and emails sent and hanging out with H (driving out to the Selway?). Thursday, a meeting with my counselor followed by racquetball. Welcoming the family home from D's cancer surgery whenever they release him from the hospital. Perhaps baking bread? Organizing, cleaning, packing some. Getting my school application done and turned in.

Here is a "picture for thought" I am sharing:

When first I came here I had hope,
Hope for I knew not what. Fast beat
My heart at the sight of the tall slope
Or grass and yews, as if my feet

Only by scaling its steps of chalk
Would see something no other hill
Ever disclosed. And now I walk
Down it the last time. Never will

My heart beat so again at sight
Of any other hill although as fair
And loftier. For infinite
The change, late unperceived, this year,

The twelfth, suddenly, shows me plain.
Hope now--not health, nor cheerfulness,
Since they can come and go again,
As often one brief hour witnesses--

Just hope has gone forever. Perhaps
I may love other hills yet more
Than this: the future and the maps
Hide something I was waiting for.

One thing I know, that love with chance
And use and time and necessity
Will grow, and louder the heart's dance
At parting than at meeting be.

{Edward Thomas}

Mmmmm... not!

I feel better, if somewhat numb. Glad I have space to myself. I had a good convo with J, who lauded the growth she sees in me. In our conversation, I stumbled across a very simple, yet very profound concept.

Same feelings + different reaction = growth!

Anyway, I can choose to go elsewhere if God leads me to a settled conviction that it's the right thing, but I won't be running. I am different in that respect, at least.

And a pertinent question was raised-- how much of these things are unfortunate circumstances, and how much is actual character flaws that need work? Good question. There are a few things that I would say are the product of unfortunate circumstances-- violations of unspoken expectations, hurts and hangups of all parties involved that need healing, etc.

There are a few things that I would say are things I need to work on for my sanity and the sanity of those around me. The question is... how to go about doing that?

It's a bit overwhelming, quite frankly.

It's funny, but this whole situation reminds me of the last Market of the first year I lived here. I was bumping along, thinking I was doing the right thing and helping and being such a great person, and the S's were very distressed and upset because I wasn't helping like they thought that I would or should... but no expectations were voiced, and I had no idea that I was violating them. All I knew was there was tension and upset, and I couldn't figure out why.

So, anyway, now I get to go off to church and smile and pretend that I'm normal.Yippee. I said I'd help with song service, so I have to go, plus there's a meeting, so... at least I feel better. Thank goodness.

Oh, yes, and I was thinking yesterday... about how very unfair it is that I don't have a dad. I've got R, and I love him, and he loves me, but... he's got walls of his own. My whole family is that way. We love each other, but it's more like... well... what is it like? Well, I guess it's more like a guy who married a woman with four kids and is still learning how to be a dad. Lol. If I had a dad from the get-go, he'd have 23 years of practice, instead of 5. That makes a difference.

How come I didn't get a family, a real family? Why did I grow up with the shattered mockery of a family that I did? Maybe it's because I could handle it... I think about J or K trying to survive something like that, and I know that it would crush their souls. (Like it didn't crush mine? lol) They're, how do you say, daddy's girls? They need that tender love and affection that their parents lavish on them, like little seedlings. J is really struggling because her parents can't be there for her right now like they always have, and I'll confess that I don't really understand. I'm like, what's the big deal? Put on your big girl panties and get on with life.

But that's a very callous response, because just as they have no clue what it is to grow up without a family or a father, or indeed with an enemy for a father, I have no clue what it is to grow up with a steady and inexhaustible supply of healthy familial and parental love. I do, of a sort, because my mom has always been there, but it was more like we were allies, sisters, friends than mother and daughter.

We do not, cannot, understand the other party's experience, because we were raised so fundamentally opposite. How interesting. (Just how did I think that I was magically going to fit in? I laugh at myself sometimes.)

And as much as I luxuriate in the safety and stability that living with a family provides... that darn independent streak keeps screaming out to me that I'm not cut out for family life. I need to be out on my own. But I do enjoy the economic stability. That's my greatest discomfort and fear about living on my own again.

Okay, I really need to go get ready for church. But it feels good to get this stuff out... like popping a pimple or cleansing a wound. Hehe.

A million thoughts spin through my head like constellations, colliding, connecting, dissolving, and re-entering orbit. I could get an apartment in town for a couple of months... I know the restaurant is always looking for waitresses... Or, I could move to Y for those few months until school starts. I have enough cash to get me down there, and my grandparents would surely have room for me. Shoot, they’d even feed me, more or less. And I’m sure I could find odd jobs-- seasonal work. It’s that time of year. I bet E would be thrilled to have me there. I could help with the support groups, or at least attend. I need something like that right now. Hmm... I could even go down to where the school is, get a job, and get a place.

The main focus of all the thoughts refracting through the prism of my preoccupation is GET OUT!

I’m partially accepting this graciously, as a chance to grow and learn. I’m partially being transported back to my childhood, to another “talk”, with much the similar theme.

6th grade, and I’m one of the “big kids”, though I don’t feel like it. Maybe because I skipped a grade, and I’m too young, really, or maybe because of my chronic insecurity? Either way, the 7th and 8th graders are cool, and I’m not, but I desperately want to be liked and accepted- by them, by the adults, by anyone. Unfortunately, the very things I thought were assets, bonuses, tools at my disposal, are the things that annoy them so intensely.

My favorite teacher ever, Mrs. C, calls me back in to the classroom after class is out. My peers are gathered there, and they proceed to have an “intervention” of sorts. In retrospect, I admire Mrs. C deeply for the way she handled what must have been a tricky situation. That confrontation was a very open, healthy way of dealing with the issues that had probably been bubbling under the surface for some time.

I, however, didn’t see it at the time. All I saw was pain and rejection, blinding me as they listed off my trespasses. (So, logically, if I stop doing the things they don’t like then... I’ll be accepted?!) I had early on realized that I got approval and acceptance from the adults by being smart, so I milked it. I got straight A’s. I did my homework. I love to read, naturally, and I cultivated that trait. I read the dictionary sometimes, just to learn new words. And, in school, I corrected people who mispronounced words while they read out loud. (I just wanted to help! If I was mispronouncing a word, of course I would want to know, so why shouldn’t they? Logical, right? lol) I was too smart, too loud, too know-it-all for the other kids to handle. My gift had become my curse, because I didn’t know how to handle it.

One specific phrase I remember clearly. “We know that things aren’t good at home, and you’re having a hard time with your dad...”

That’s when I started fighting back tears. I didn’t cry in front of them (Victory!), but I did start sobbing into Mrs. C’s embrace once they left. This was the point in my life when things were about at their worst. My “dad” was actively molesting me, psychologically and physically abusing my sister and I, and totally ignoring us otherwise. Mom was working, trying to support 4 kids and one adult child, and soon she would kick my “dad” out. At that point, I would pretty much take over care of my siblings, because he wasn’t doing what he agreed to, and my mom was working nights as well as trying to overcome mono. Life sucked, and that casual phrase struck deep. How could they even know the depths of my agony, my intense craving for love and acceptance? They couldn’t.

Flash forward six or seven years. I’m with C now, and we live together, engaged to be married. Finally, I’ve found the one who loves me no matter what, through thick and thin, despite my issues and background and family and everything... In fact, he even likes the very things about me that I dislike! He likes everything about me! Wow, this is great! 

(Except... my belief in God. That’s a point of contention between us. But, hey, that’s what happens when you date an agnostic, right? No problems there, I can live with this...)

One of my strengths is networking. I make friends fast, and pretty well, and I’m a generally likable person. So I have a large network of friends, especially in the church that I grew up in. C, however, sees this as a weakness. I need to learn to be self-sufficient, to not depend on anyone. Relationships are weakness. Once again, my gift becomes my curse, and I am not good for having it. (He never did catch the dichotomy between being dependent on him, which was okay, and being dependent on others, which was not good. Interesting...)

Bible college. A leadership school. Being strong and take-charge is encouraged, cultivated, praised. I’m not super good at it, but I learn to hide my fear and insecurity and to be a leader. After all, I’ve been told that I’m a natural leader, so why not? So, yes, I become a decent leader, and I am accepted for it, even praised. There are other things, though, that prevent me from totally fitting in... like the fact that I don’t like doing literature evangelism. Oh, yes, and my frequent bouts of intense depression.

Now, I find that those traits-- my gifts-- have become my curse. I don’t know how to use them, apparently. My gift for relationship threatens others (one person specifically). It seems to me, though, that if a person is feeling threatened by the fact that someone else is in relationship with the people they’re in relationship with, the burden for change is on their end. I’m not going to cease my relationships because you feel threatened. That’s foolish and unhealthy.

D, I can understand. There’s already tension with the fact that the cancer might take him away, and she’s not getting to spend as much time with him as before. (That’s what happens when you move away.) And, yes, I suppose that, in my search for a father figure, it was easy for me to take over what you left behind in some regards, such as helping in the garden.

But don’t you get that I don’t want to be J? I don’t want to be K, either. I don’t want to be you, or take your place. I want to be there alongside you. Maybe that’s why this is more difficult than I anticipated... being misunderstood hurts, especially when your actions are interpreted in a negative light.

My hard-won leadership skills are no longer an asset, they are a detriment. I am controlling, too forward, overstepping my bounds. I am taking over. What the hell? Why is something good and desirable in one setting, yet a source of conflict in another?

I’ll just go live my own egocentric, drama queen life somewhere else.

I guess it’s just hard for me to accept that there can be love amidst this. Black/white, either/or, love/hate. If you love me, we won’t have problems, right? Or if we do have problems, they won’t be with who I fundamentally am as a person... because how can you love someone if you don’t like who they are?

What I don’t understand is that I hear that I’m such a likable person. “Nobody could hate you,” they say. “She’s everyone’s favorite.” Not a big head, just repeating what I’ve heard. But now I hear that I am... a source of contention. How does that jive?!

And how much do you want to bet that as soon as I leave this environment, the very things that are seen as weaknesses here will be my strengths in the new place?

Yeah, ‘cause it keeps on changing. Make up your frickin minds.

Better yet, leave me the hell alone and let me be who I am, aight?

Mm-hmm. I’m ghetto. I’m loud. I’m tactless, bold, the center of attention, and independent. I’m lonely, but I also have a billion friends. I’m restless and fickle, changing often. I’m the finder of the perfect gift, a writer of letters, and a secret lover of rock music. (But only when I’m depressed or restless.) I’m insecure constantly, mostly fearful with a facade of confidence, and easily confused. I’m also funny, smart, and attractive. I attach quickly and intensely, and I enjoy flowers and long walks on the beach. (Okay, okay, that last part was just for levity’s sake. I’m beginning to sound like a personals ad!)

That is all who I am, and I’m not interested in changing it at this point. Take me or leave me, and if you don’t want me, I’ll find someone who will.

(I’ve realized that to love is to expose oneself to certain pain. Yeah... I’m kind of over that. I’m getting really, really tired of being hurt. I think it’s time I put my foot down. Is it possible to love without being vulnerable? I’m sure going to try...)

I remember when I was first at Bible college. I had just broken up with C, whom I’d been with for years, the “love of my life”. I’m in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by unfamiliar people, doing something that I really, really don’t like... but I had to be strong. I had nowhere else to go. So I cried in the shower, where no one could hear me. No one sees tears when they’re mixed with water. I cried for weeks straight.

Now, here I am, in a place that has become so familiar to me, surrounded by people that love me, and yet... I find myself crying in the shower. Again.

How is it possible to feel two such antithetical feelings at the same time? On the one hand, I do feel loved, because they care enough to help me see the truth, and in a loving, positive way. On the other hand, I feel like the elephant in the room-- the elephant that is infested with rabies, lice, and possibly even fleas.

How can I still be, after all these years... a home wrecker? Dammit. I long for peace, yet I reap tension, bitterness, and strife.

Is there nowhere I can truly belong? The cry of my heart is, Love me! Accept me! Be okay with who I am!
And yet... others are threatened by my existence. I never wanted to take your place. I just wanted to create a place for myself to be.

They say that in every joke is a grain of truth. This thought winds its way to the forefront of my mind when I hear (joking) comments like: "I can't wait for you to leave." "No wonder I'm glad you're leaving!" Uh-huh. Now it all makes sense.

Who do you think I am? What kind of person do you take me for? I am not a thief, some slick seductress who works her way into lives to take them over. Do you think I am a parasite, a tick?

I tried my best. But time has shown that I will never truly be one of the family. I am the ignominious adopted daughter. The red-headed stepchild, if you will.

The curse of dysfunction follows me wherever I go. I cannot escape it. I feel like the specter of Death-- what I touch, whom I love, the very air I breathe... all becomes tainted, polluted, and decay sets in.

Am I doomed to an isolated existence? I thought I had found the antidote to that... but instead, I found that it was a mirage. A placebo. You thought you could belong. Sorry. You're still ****ed up. What you touch turns to ashes. If only you believed in incarnation-- you could try again in your next life.


I told C that I was contemplating moving to Yuma until I start school. She said don't. LOL. I was going to be packed and ready by the time they got home from the hospital, but the fatal flaw to my plan is that I'm broke. Bah, humbug.

My flight instinct kicks in again, strong. I'm ready to go to school in Colorado, just because I don't know anyone there. No chance of my taking over anyone's family or relationship or whatever. No chance of my hurting anyone. Just me and the snow and my cat. And the new age philosophies I'd have to endure.

And another part of me says, "Screw you! It's my life! I'll do what I want!" And that's exactly why I don't fit into a family. Dammit again.

All the ugliness I've been trying to repress lately, it's surfacing, threatening to spew all over anyone who so much as jostles me. Bad words, hostile looks, seething impatience, frustration, and anger... Guess I'm not so converted, after all.

If I were to die tonight... I'd be glad for the rest... but nervous about what would happen when the nap was over.

I'm not fit to be in heaven.

I'm not fit to be in K, ID.

Get me outta here.

January can't come too soon.

(Fun fact: My name, C, has two meanings-- one means "helper of mankind". The other means "prophetess of doom". I generally see myself as the first, yet the second proves to be the reality of my life. Go figure.)

It's like all those things that I didn't want to believe about myself are being proved true. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. You can't fight it, you can't run from it. You are a problem. You cause problems. No matter where you go, you will not find rest or peace, because your very presence prohibits it.

Is this hell?

Winnemucca, NV. I like staying at a hotel on long trips (especially when I'm not footing the bill.) It's eighteen degrees outside-- a little cold for sleeping in the car! (Who am I kidding? I don't sleep much- I keep driving.)

Today we'll be home. I miss my cat-- had a dream about him last night. I'll be leaving him at home for several months so I can get settled in. I'll pick him up on Spring Break.

Oh, yes. Decisions. I've decided to go to school in Redlands. The city does not appeal to me in any way, shape, or form, except for the fact that I'll find health food easy, but other than that... maybe I'll find someone to live with in the country :)

Got this in an email from my sister, and thought it was great.

RECALL  NOTICE!

 

The Maker  of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of  make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of  the heart.  This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units  code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all  subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential  Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily  expressed.

 

Some of  the symptoms include:

         1. Loss of direction

         2. Foul vocal emissions

         3. Amnesia of origin

         4. Lack of peace and joy

         5. Selfish or violent behavior

         6. Depression or confusion in the mental component

         7. Fearfulness

         8. Idolatry

         9. Rebellion

 

The  Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing  factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this  defect.

 

The Repair  Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the  staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee  required.

 

The number  to call for repair in all areas  is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

 

Once  connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure.  Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart  component.

 

No matter  how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:

 

         1. Love

         2. Joy

         3. Peace

         4. Patience

         5. Kindness

         6. Goodness

         7. Faithfulness

         8. Gentleness

         9. Self control

 

Please see  the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth)  for further details on the use of these fixes.

 

WARNING:  Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any  manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous  to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free  emergency service, call on Jesus.

 

DANGER:  The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be  scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so  as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!

 

- GOD

 

P.S.  Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall  notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!

Where do I start in processing through all the events of late?

Campmeeting was great. It helped me a lot in my consideration and study of the OT feasts. I used to think that feast-keepers were crazy weirdos, but now I realize that they are not. They're really sincere in following God's will as expressed in Scripture, and I really admire them for that. I loved how the studies and talks presented really illuminated God's character further, and even the cross. I didn't think that would be the case-- I was hesitant about the whole thing. But, it proved to be a blessing. I wonder where my studies will lead me?

The S family is so inclusive and warm-- I love it! I got to meet D's side of the family for the big birthday party in his honor (and because he has cancer, it was a kind of "just in case we don't get to see you again" get together). I got to meet a lot of his friends from the olden days (when they were my age), and it was great to see them all interact. We pulled out our guitars and jammed together-- what a blast! I love music.

I visited another massage school down here, one run by people of my denomination. I'm really, really leaning towards it, which is ironic, because I didn't even want to go check it out. I kind of did it as a favor for C. I wasn't thrilled about it, just by looking at the website... I guess I had set my heart on going somewhere where no one knows me, and I don't have the pressure of living up to expectations... Although, the churchgoers in this area are so liberal, I probably wouldn't have to worry about that. Aaaaaand, I'm supposed to be learning about not judging myself according to my perception of other's expectations and trying to act a certain way just because I think that it's expected of me... *Sigh* Easier said than done. Anyway, this school intrigues me, and the director and I really clicked. I've got my lists of pros and cons, I'm praying like crazy, and as I work through this, I think... I'd be kind of foolish to walk away from this school without some serious reasons for turning it down.

Hmm. Oh, yes! Healing Journey wants to give me a scholarship! Yeehaw! We'll see how that works out-- I'm not hanging anything on it just yet, but I'm excited about the prospect. I need to decide what school I'm going to, first. I should have a decision in a week or two at the most. My folks need to know what my sched will be like so we can buy a ticket for me to come visit for Christmas.

J is shocked that I will be making such a decision so quickly. It took her three years to decide where to go to school, what to take, etc. I mean, this decision of mine has been a process of several months, one step at a time, but it's significantly faster than her decision making process. We're just very different in that way. Very, very different. Hehe.

Some friends of mine down here in southern CA have invited me to go canvassing with them tomorrow. Eeep, is all I can say. I want to hang out with them, but I really don't want to go canvassing. We'll see. I just had a convo with JC about canvassing, and both of us not wanting it to have "beaten" us. I almost want to go just to prove to myself that I can, you know? Sort of a "face my fears" type thing... but I know that's not the right motive. Plus, I still really, really don't want to. So if I do, I'll probably just sit in the car or something. Maybe accompany someone else as they're at doors. It's a start.

Some friends of D and C's are taking us out to Indian food tonight. I know for a fact that Indian food contains garlic. I've decided to just bite the bullet and try it. If I perish, I perish. I'm tired of making a big deal about food. *sigh*

Anyway, this trip has been good. I'm very glad that I came. I was unsure of how things would turn out, but, yes, I'm glad I came.

JC has been calling me much of late. I wonder what that means? I think I need to set a boundary on the amount that we talk. I'm glad to have him as a friend, but I'm not interested in a repeat of the Awkward Saga. I know what can happen when you talk too much to a single guy, when you're too vulnerable... and JC and I have this wonderful friendship where we're able to be very truthful and open with each other. Dangerous stuff.

The fam jokes that, if I came down here (to an Adventist mecca), that I'd probably wind up married with a baby, and it'll all be over. I'll say the thought crossed my mind, but I have come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to be married. I've got growing to do... I listened to a sermon by David Asscherick called Hitchhiking For Love that really helped me see with greater clarity some things I'd realized after the break with D. I mean, yeah, I've got the skills it takes to take care of a household, but I'm not the person I need to be yet. I need more time.

That's hard to take, because I want to be in a loving relationship. I really do. I want what I see that D and C have. I want what I see a few other people have... but in the right time. It's hard, but it's better this way.

I'm learning so much from this processing through my relationship with D! Maybe this is what God had in mind when he directed us together?

Life... it moves on, regardless. I'm so glad that God is directing my footsteps. He will open and close the doors for me to walk through.

Had a conversation with B the other day. We both knew what it was going to be about when I said, "Hey, I need to talk to you. Not now, but I need to set up a time to talk to you."

I showed up at the shop at the appointed time, only to find that he had stepped out. So, I spent some time hanging out with K, talking about the impending awkwardness that I had brought upon myself. She offered to be there for the talk, and it was sweet of her, but I thought that it would probably be even more awkward with her there.

I needed to understand what happened before I went away for the summer. I needed to know if I had been picking up genuine "I'm interested" vibes, or if I was crazy. Without a clear understanding of what transpired, I wasn't sure if I was reading a situation that was actually there, or if I was sexualizing a completely innocent relationship.

Well, B came back to the shop, and we (awkwardly) ignored the proverbial elephant in the room for a little while, but he finally asked if I'd like to take a walk. When we did start walking, I had no idea what to talk about! How do I start this conversation? How in the world do I segue into the topic that's on my mind?

"So... how was your day?"

Hah. Lame.

But it worked. It loosened our tongues to the point that, when B asked what was on my mind (i.e. the reason for "the talk"), I was able to explain myself with a minimum of stammering. I told him that I had, in fact, forgiven him, and that I had done much examining of my motives. I wanted to be certain of my reasons for this talk, and I could say with confidence that it was not out of any desire to hurt him or throw anything in his face. I simply desired clarity and resolution.

B responded with an honesty that I had not anticipated. He shared the whole story with me candidly, and I was gratified to find that I am not, in fact, crazy. He was romantically interested, I was reading the signals aright, and my discomfort was justified.

However, he realizes and recognizes that there is, as he puts it, "a wall between us that is thirty years thick". He says that he felt there was chemistry between us from the first time we met, and if I were older, we could have a good thing going on. I'm not older, though, and nothing beyond friendship is ever going to transpire between us. He's come to grips with that. (Even if I were older, I'm not sure B is someone that I would want to necessarily consider romantically. We get along well, and we work well together, but... yeah.) Oh, yes, and he accepted complete responsibility for the situation. He would not let me take any of the blame, even when I tried to apologize for my lack of wisdom in being so vulnerable with him and confiding in him so much (single guy, single girl, building emotional closeness-- hello, red flag!!).

So, it was good. The awkwardness has evaporated, and I feel free to accept his gestures of friendship as just that- gestures of friendship. I'm not constantly evaluating each action with suspicion. It feels good to be able to just be friends again.

I know that I need to be wise in this, though. I won't be vulnerable with him as I was once, and I will avoid being alone with him. We're friends, but not close friends.

I'm just so glad that this was dealt with. Whew!

And so closes the most awkward saga ever.

God, I just so don't know what to do or which way to turn.

Yes, okay. I'm moving out in January. But where am I going?

Do I stay in the area? March, for sure, is the cut-off date for my leaving the area. I'm going to massage college.

But why not in January?

Because of the Healing Journey, that's why. And I want to spend my birthday with my friends, that's why. Because I'm probably not moving back here once I leave, that's why.

And the Indiana idea sounds good, but the only school close by is super new-agey! Exactly what I'm trying to avoid!

The Colorado school still intrigues me, but I'm worried by their lack of flexibility when it comes to my comfort level in massaging guys, and Sabbath.

I still need to call the school in Portland.

Hmm.

I'm way more interested in the schools in Portland/Salem and Denver than the one in Warsaw. The ONLY attraction I have in the Indiana direction is that it's within a day's drive of my family... eh, that is, my biological family. :)

God, which way do I turn? What is the right way? What is the path I am to walk? Which is the right school for me?

You have promised to guide me with your eye. You said that if I lean on you and not my own understanding, my paths will be made straight. That's great-- I have no understanding right now! lol

So... what do I do? Which way do I turn? What to do? What to do?

And what's the stinkin' point of starting the Healing Journey if I'm just taking off to school in January, anyway?!

I so thought I was doing the right thing. Ugh.

But, on a brighter note... thank you for this confusion that drives me to you. If I knew everything precisely when I think I'd like to know it, I can say that I would certainly feel no need for your superior wisdom :) And... thank you for fried green tomatoes. They make my taste buds happy, even if they're not the best for me.

Youth group went "mountain biking" yesterday. I put it in quotes because it wasn't particularly rugged or arduous... unless you're totally not used to anything like it. Like myself.

But I surely enjoyed myself! And I proved to myself that I can endure even past what I think is my stopping point. There were times when I wasn't sure I would be able to go on, but I did, and I rode the entire course. Go me! LOL

However, I did wipe out within the first five minutes. Of course. I ate it pretty hard, too. K wasn't impressed, but then she's an EMT, so what do you expect? She gets to scrape guts off of asphalt, so my little boo boo didn't rate very high. ;)  Plus she and her bro are quite rugged and intense. Wounds don't stop them. *Sigh* I want to be like that.

Still... I did a pretty good number on myself.

Pretty good, huh?

The next day

Aaaaand... my poor, banged up legs.

It's a good thing it was cold and I was wearing several layers. I'd hate to see what would have happened had I been biking in shorts and a tank top!

And, after this trip, I think that S is right. D LOVES being outdoors... I'm just not cut out for him.

Bah. It's better to admit I was wrong, than to insist on having my way just for the sake of pride. So he's not the one I'm to marry. That's okay. That's why I was praying so hard for wisdom, direction, and guidance... in the likely event that I was wrong and it wasn't God's voice I was hearing, but rather my own emotions.

And I'm not writing him off. If God wants to bring him back into my life at some point in the future, that's nice. He's a great guy. I love him. But I'm letting him go, and I'm letting go, period. 

It's just you and me, God. Again. Like it should be. :)

It's 40 degrees today. I can see my breath outside. It's grey and overcast, drizzling rain.

I love days like this.

I'm done fasting- my culinary curiosities have piqued, and I'm in a cooking mood.

Oh, and a Norah Jones mood.

I love days like this. :)

I've come to the point where I'm suspicious of good things. Not all good things, mind you, but things that just seem to be so good and to fit so right... that's what I thought about the summer camp I worked at. It's perfect! I'm so excited! But people can portray reality any which way they want when you don't know them, and it can wind up being a foretaste of hell.

However, that foretaste imbued me with a strength that I would not have gotten any other way. It is from that experience that I realize, I am strong. I can survive. Sure, I fell apart somewhat during the summer (the S's and D know the full extent of that), but I learned. I've grown.

But, man, I sure don't want to make that mistake again!! I'd rather things go well, quite frankly. I can learn without agony of soul and body, thankyouverymuch.

So, I'm researching massage colleges, and there's one that's captivated my interest. It seems so good, just what I want, in a state that I'd like to live in, not saturated with New Age beliefs, and the lady I talked to was so very nice to me. We clicked well.

I'm just afraid to take that leap, to move forward into the unknown, and... totally hate my decision. I'm afraid it will collapse around my ears.

I suppose the question is, does God dictate our moves to us? How do I know God's leading me? Eh? Because, as usual, I'm afraid to make the wrong choice. :)

And, on a totally different and unrelated note-- I'm SO HUNGRY! 7 days of fasting. I can't wait to start eating again. Tomorrow! Tomorrow! It has never been such a sweet word.

Oh, yeah, and one more thing... Why not do the support group? My counselor challenged me on that. If I have the capabilities to help someone while I'm still here, why not? Why put it off? Why wait? I... don't have a good reason, really, just thinking that it might not be the best to start something I can't finish. After all, I'd planned on facilitating it for a whole year. Now, it looks as though I'll be leaving March/April. That's only 5 or 6 months. But those months could mean the world to someone. I'm gonna do it.

A lot to process lately.

What do you do if you were sure you were where God wants you, only to find that things are changing, and the very reasons you thought God wanted you in a certain place are no longer good reasons?

Yeah.

I'll be leaving the S's soon. Soon meaning... well, I don't know when. But I don't think it's wise to start the support group at this time.  However, I did get good practice setting it all up, and who's to say I can't take it with me where I go next? No one. I'm going to do it, still, even if it's not in Idaho.

I called D and told him that I've decided to go to massage school, but I don't know where yet. Does he want me to come up there where he is? There are a couple massage schools there. He said he'd call me back. It's been almost a week now, haven't heard from him, though he said he'd call back in a day or two.

I realized today why that bugs me so badly when he does that--my mom did the same thing all the time when I was a kid. "I'll be there in an hour" meant "see you in three to four hours". Drove me crazy. She's better now, but I still hate it when people do that. It's like they don't care enough to stick to their word.

Anyway... I'm researching schools and filling out my FAFSA and all that fun stuff. It seems to me that C is thinking that I need to be moving out soon... she says not before January, and I agree, but I had initially been thinking summer or fall. She's thinking more like spring, early or late. I'd like to stick around for my birthday, at least. It's not just the S's I'm thinking of, though I live with them-- I have friends here, and engagements.

Just... a lot to think through. I've kind of become numb, of sorts. Juneaux is an indoor-outdoor cat now, because I simply don't care enough to worry about him like I used to. I love him, but... he's just a cat. He's not my lifeline. If he gets hurt, or killed, I'll be devastated, but I'll survive. And he's so much happier being outside... it's not worth the effort to keep him in all the time anymore.

I feel the same about D. I can take him or leave him at this point. It's like, look dude-- if you want to try this thing out, then let's do it. If not, then great, I'm moving on and moving away. Make up your mind. Do you want me or not?

Maybe I'm coasting. Maybe I'm in survival/defense mode. I don't care. All I know is it's working.

(Oh, yeah, and I've been fasting/cleansing for four whole days now. That is a record for me- I hate going without food!!)