Coming back down

Okay, the guys are right. B and C talked some sense into me.

I was just... scared.

I've spent my whole life without being safe, but wanting safety desperately.

Every time I think I've got it figured out... something knocks that illusion out from in front of my eyes, and I'm forced to face the gaping uncertainty that laces the edges of our lives here on earth.

We had a crazy major storm blow through here yesterday. They call it a "tornadic event", but I think it was more like a hurricane, 'cause of all the wind and rain and whatnot. Anyway, the wind caused a LOT of damage. There are still places without power, and APS says there are over 60 electricity poles just snapped.

My grandparent's sheds were lifted, tangled, and thrown elsewhere while the contents were left to lie in the soaking rain. The contents that include my box of books, my three totes with whatever I couldn't fit into C's place. My books are good and waterlogged, but I'm hoping I can save them. The only one I'm worried about (and distraught over) is my 100 year old book. I'm not sure it'll pull through. It's already falling apart, much to my grief and distress.

What really set me off, though, was the fact that my little file of cards and notes from friends and family got tossed out of one of the bins that had been upended, and many of those were ruined.

One, especially... the awesome "Hear Ye, Hear Ye" birthday card from the S's. When I saw that it was completely illegible and undiscernable at all, I lost it.

I miss them. I miss them so much. And I miss the intentionality of that life. I have purposed in my heart that I am going to go to the dollar store and I am going to get fall decorations and I am going to decorate the house for the season! (Even if we don't really have that season here...) And I am going to make a nice dinner to celebrate the coming of fall, and I'm going to be intentional about doing special things throughout the year, like the S's do. (It's easier to make a big deal out of stuff when you've got 5 people to pull from... there's always a birthday or a first something or other or a good test score to celebrate. When it's just you and a couple of other people who don't really vary their routines, well... slim pickings. Maybe it's time to look for excuses to celebrate?)

And also I'm grieving over D. I know he's not my dad. I know that. And we did maintain an aloofness, but we also had a bond... and I trust him. And it just seems like every time I get even the resemblance of a father figure in my life... they get taken away. And it's not fair. (No, I know I have R. But even that has been back and forth. Remember recently, when I thought he was an abuser? Yeah. Ouch.)

And it's especially not fair to the girls, or to C, because they've had him so long. I'll miss him, but nothing like they will.

And knowing that D was the one who made up that card, and that his message to me was in there, and that someday in the near future, I guess, I won't be able to get that anymore and that what I had was taken away, well.... it just sent me over the edge.

And I'm scared to care about anything at all, because it just opens you up to be hurt.

As B pointed out, though... people who don't care at all usually end up being murderers and rapists. I don't want that.

And both B and C pointed out that having the memories is worth it. Knowing that he was there, and that I cared about him, well... it's worth it. It really is.

And they're right. I guess.

I can see their point, though I'm not entirely sold...

It scares me how much I care for C, because if he were to be taken from me... I'd probably lose it. Like, having to be checked into a mental hospital lose it. Temporarily, of course. But it wouldn't be pretty.

On the note of caring for C... I have it on good authority that C is actively plotting a proposal. I don't know what it is, but apparently it will set the bar a level higher for every other guy under the sun. Apparently it will be a really, really good story.

Do you know how excited I am about that? :D

And also I might possibly have a job. A job I can do without killing myself. A job involving taking care of an adorable 14 month old baby boy. Um, yes please. Where do I sign up?!

See? Life's not all bad, scary stuff. It lurks... but I suppose that I just have to choose to focus on the good.

I said this morning, and I said it later even after I was crying... "Thank you, God, for this good day. It's a good day."

And it is.

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