Well, I guess you could say I'm having sleep problems. The interesting thing is, though, that after prying myself out of bed, I have a surprising amount of energy to make it through the day. The back and forth pendulum is so odd... to go from "I can't get enough sleep, I'm so lethargic all day" to "I can't fall asleep, I just keep going and going even if I'm tired, I'm practically wired". It's odd.

Actually, part of my problem right now is sleeping in a bed. I have begun to notice a pattern. First, I started having a difficult time falling asleep without C in bed with me. Then, I began having a difficult time falling asleep in bed period. If I went out into the living room, say, or if we hopped in his truck to go somewhere, I'd relax and get sleepy in no time. But when I tuck myself between the blankets and sheets... I'm wound up again.

Could this be a part of the larger scheme of my body revolting in odd ways? Joint and muscle aches, undue tension in odd places, aching teeth (but only on one side!), headaches... etc.

Nearest thing I can figure is that, because I'm dredging up the past (again) and trying to work through stuff, the old associations are coming back? Most of my molestation did happen when I was in bed, alone.

I made a little nest on the floor out of blankets last night, after tossing and turning for over an hour. I was asleep very quickly, though C did have to wake me up and move me to the bed when he retired for the evening (I had all the blankets). Even after that, though, I crashed almost instantly, for the duration of the night.

Even sex has become more difficult for me. Not flashbacks, per se, but emotional flashbacks or triggers or whatever... but I just make it a point to keep my eyes open and watch C, to focus on the present and remind myself that I'm safe, that those gross feelings will pass, and that what I'm doing is good and enjoyable and no-one is going to harm me. I haven't told C about this one, yet... but I may.

I've got my first counseling session tonight. A bit apprehensive. C doesn't think I should be, but I am, because I am afraid that this is going to "ruin my life". Every time I touch this stuff, it explodes all over me... like lancing a boil and winding up covered in pus. Grossed out? You should be. It's gross.

And it makes it very, very hard to function. I just want to be normal!! Yet I know that I have to put the work into recovery to get there... but I think I'd rather just skip the recovery part and go straight to normal, thankyouverymuch.

I guess what I'm really afraid of is that going back to having a hard time will somehow negate all the good I've done and learned recently... that it will prove false any happiness I might have gained. Or, worse yet, that I'm an emotional hypochondriac and there's nothing actually wrong with me except that I don't know how to cope with life. Like all those years I spent going to doctors only to have them tell me I was fine, when I knew that I wasn't! I could play crazy, if only for the validation...

Ahh, but I'm going to Yosemite with friends tomorrow, and there is much preparation to be accomplished. I have to leave in 2 hours, so I'd better get skeedaddle-ing.

Also, my sister K may or may not be going into pre-term labor. She's at the doctor's as we speak...

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