Still in a weird place today. I feel funky. Like, funky-not-so-good-kinda-hurting-enough-to-distract-me funky. Not "do the hustle" funky. (I wish!)

I'm still puzzling... puzzling over life, the universe, and everything.

Puzzling over why typing and spelling have become harder for me in the past week, week and a half... Puzzling over why I seem to be automatically going for the phonetic spelling rather than the real spelling!

Puzzling over the whole God thing, and my relation to him... puzzling over why some of the things that I was always told were horrible, horrible things... don't actually seem to be that horrible, upon closer inspection. Puzzling over how they actually seem to be good, maybe even better than. Puzzling over how one can think that and still be "in the faith".

Puzzling over being in any faith.

Puzzling over my health.

Thinking to myself... what would happen if I gave up the idea that I should soldier through the day? What would happen if I no longer told myself that I had to? What if I gave myself permission to be, well... sick?

What shape would the landscape of my thoughts take on if I were to listen to my body and rather than forcing myself to function through fatigue and pain were to, say, take a nap if I were tired? What if I were gentle with myself? What if I were considerate towards my frame?

What if I stopped viewing myself as a liability and started acknowledging all the amazing things that I am doing, have done, and do on a regular basis?

Today, I have had a hard time physically. My gut hurts, I'm dizzy, and I can't seem to get my eyes to focus right. It feels like my head is stuffed with cotton. It's an improvement over yesterday, but it's still tough.

I tell myself that I have things to do, that I can't be a sissy, and that I need to keep going.

This is true. I do have things to do. I have a big test tomorrow night that I'm studying for. (And, despite my anger at myself for not studying harder, I'm actually doing really well on the absorption of the material.)

But as I thought about it, I realized that I have already accomplished a lot today. I studied. I cleaned the kitchen. I made muffins. I took care of the dogs. I watched a campmeeting talk that I had been meaning to.  I studied some more. And I realized that I had done more than I realized, simply because I never, ever feel like I've done enough. Ever.

So what if I get rid of the idea of "enough"? Like, what if I just replace it with "best", or something like that? Instead of trying to do "enough" each day, what if I just try to do my "best"? Because really, that can and does change from day to day. Wednesday and Thursday were good days. I got stuff done. I had energy. I didn't feel the best on Weds, but I felt good on Thurs, and I took advantage of it. The past few days haven't been good ones, necessarily. But I've still done what I needed to do (more than what I needed to, in most cases), and yet I still feel like I ought to have done more.

What if I decide to end this inner tyranny and simply say, "Today, I will do my best... no matter what that looks like"? What if I decide to say "It doesn't matter how much or how little I do or do not do today. I love and accept myself regardless, and I am proud of how I am choosing to live my life today"?

Because, really, I want to live each day with positive intention rather than forced performance. You know... rhythm, instead of rigid schedule. Grace, acceptance, and kindness, rather than criticism, impatience, and rigid expectations.

I want to be kind to myself.

Puzzling over how to make the transition...

Also, as a bonus, puzzling over the subjectivity of our perceptions of reality.

For instance....

...Did you realize that what you're experiencing right now actually happened in the past, because it takes our brains a smidgen of time to process the input? So what you think is happening now actually happened about, oh, eighty milliseconds ago.

By the way, to have your mind totally blown, check out this article on how our memories aren't really what we think they are (they change every time you recall them, too!), how you're always living in the past, etc. It's written in a very understandable (layman friendly!) manner.

There's a storm a-brewin. I'm totally digging the high winds and the thunder overhead. I don't, however, want to lose internet before I post this. So! Off I go.

Still puzzling.

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