Today, I worked on pricing all my wedding details and creating a running total. I've literally priced every single detail, down to the charcoal for the grills and the water we're going to drink. And the ice cube trays. Etcetera.

Anyway, the only things I have left to price are the cards for inside the guest book and the food itself (i.e. how much the meat will cost, how much the pomegranate juice for the tofu will cost, etc.)

So far, the running total for the wedding (without the cards and the ingredients) is $1,357. It seems like a lot, but... it's really not. Not when you think about how many, many of the items I'll be purchasing will continue to be re-used and repurposed throughout their lifetime. And also when you consider that the average cost of a wedding in this area runs between $17,000 and $28,000. (Goodness gracious, really?! I could get my bachelor's degree with that!)

I suppose that it seems like much more to me because I am a partially unemployed student with no savings to speak of. Wait, wait... I believe I have $5 in my checking account. And $3 in my wallet.

Yep. I remember panicking when I dipped below $100 in my savings/checking account. Well, those days are long gone. I haven't had triple digits in my bank account in months.

I didn't get the job I was hoping for because my class is at a critically inconvenient portion of the day for the employer. That's okay. I know it will all work out... HJ is picking up, and next month our grant money comes in, so I'll actually be getting pay on a regular basis. That'll be keen. Also, the hopeful employer extended the offer of babysitting in lieu of the nanny job, so I'll take that. Not to mention the "writing gig" that I'm trying out for. (You know, if only I could donate plasma, this would be a whole lot easier!!)

This week was really good for me in regards to balance. My mindset has shifted somewhat dramatically, and now I am trying to be intentional about acknowledging and rewarding the work I've put in throughout the day, as well as learning to break my tasks up into manageable chunks. Rather than trying to clean the whole house in one day (in addition to doing all my homework from all my classes), I'm breaking it up. Living room one day, kitchen the next, bathroom another day, vacuum another day, etc. I can still tidy things up, sure, but the in-depth doesn't have to happen all at once. Especially if I'm feeling tired.

Oh, maybe that's where the shift came from. I've given myself permission to take naps.

Anyway, this week went so well that I was thinking, Yeah. Maybe I can take on another job! I mean, it's part time... This could work. This could really work!

Tonight showed me just how fragile my system still is. *sigh* False confidence. Oh, well. I did really good this week, and I'm proud of myself. I'm just not invincible yet.

I watched a movie called Bastard Out Of Carolina. It's about a young girl's experience with abuse. I'd heard from so many ppl working with the HJ that I needed to watch it, so I finally borrowed it from E.

It was like reliving my childhood in a span of 2 hours.

It's grotesque how closely my experiences mirror hers.

I really don't even want to talk about it, suffice to say that, should you decide to watch it, you will be disturbed. Probably not as much as I, but maybe even more so. It depends on where you're coming from.

But it was hard. And I'm paying for it now, physically. Eating food sends my intestines into cramping spasms, and I know I ought to be sleeping, but I'm... restless. Wired.

I had to stop the movie several times, go into the room where C was, and just cry and talk stuff out. It was good in that it got us talking very in depth about methods of child-rearing, our philosophies on punishment and its administration, etc. (Again, we're still tracking right along together.)

He's going to be such a good daddy. No joke. I wish I could have been raised by him. (But then I wouldn't get to marry him, so I'll be content with my lot.)

There is a rape scene towards the end of the movie, and my reaction surprised me. I'd already been experiencing the same emotions as I did throughout my childhood... the fear, uncertainty, tension, disgust... the gnawing uncertainty is the worst, I think. You never know from day to day, from hour to hour, what you'll find. Inconsistency is a hard thing to endure as a child when all you crave is stability.

Anyway, back to the rape. I just... sometimes things come up that make me wonder if something didn't happen somewhere in my life that I have blocked out... if I wasn't raped in some way? Because my thoughts upon seeing it were, Oh, yes. That. Not, "Oh my goodness, that child! Someone stop that monster!" but rather, "Huh. Yeah. That's what that feels like, alright."

How do I know?

I don't know. I have no idea. But I just... I don't know.

It doesn't matter, I suppose, because even if it did happen, I don't remember it. And right now, I'm just trying to deal with what I remember... and it's not good. (Comparing notes with C... apparently my childhood was even more screwed up than I realized. I am so sad for the little girl that was me. It's not right, what happened. Even if G had never touched me sexually, the way he treated me--us?--was not right. Children should not have to live in that kind of environment.)

I'm sad about the past, and angry, too... but I'm looking forward to my future in a fresh, new way. Something about an impending wedding really helps you focus on the future, on your goals... on what life has to offer.

By the way, I'm super glad I'm American. I really am. Because it means that I can have goals, that I can strive for something better, rather than just suffering with my load in abject silence like so many women must. I am glad for the chance to heal, and glad to be in a country that supports this.

2 thoughts:

  • Jolene | September 16, 2012 at 9:55 PM

    A wedding just under $1400 is unbelievable. If you're able to pull it off, I'll be amazed and confounded. You go girl!

  • Invictus | September 17, 2012 at 9:25 PM

    That's what I hear. I dunno... it still SEEMS like so much to me! lol Think more along the lines of $1500-- that's the end budget, but I haven't hit it yet. It also looks like I may have to rent tables, rather than borrowing them. Boo.

    Truly, unless prices magically skyrocket on EVERYTHING in the next 6 months, I see no reason at all why I can't pull it off! (Heh, yes... I DO feel rather accomplished about the whole thing ^_^)

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