Sleep disturbances, among others

The one (?) thing that's really annoying about dealing with your past history of abuse is this: all kinds of stuff starts surfacing in all kinds of ways.

For one, I start having sleep issues. That's not even cool. This woman loves her sleep, but lately I've fallen prey to insomnia, nightmares, restless sleep and frequent awakenings.

Monday night, for example, I just could not fall asleep. Two hours of tossing and turning later, I went out to join the guys in the living room at about 2 a.m. Almost as soon as I laid across C's lap, I was relaxed and sleepy. (I've noticed that I have a hard time sleeping without him.)

Last night, I fell asleep fairly quickly, but woke up about 3:30 from pain. I wasn't sure what was going on, but as I woke up more, I realized that it was colon cramps, attributable to the constipation I've been struggling with. (On a side note, I did a little research on restoring colon function naturally while I was waiting for the cramps to subside and to be able to fall back asleep, and I came across this website that talks about the health benefits of squatting for elimination. At first I was dubious, but upon reading the research I'm fairly convinced... enough so to give it a try one of these days. I won't be forking out $144 for their platform, though, when I can build my own. C agrees.) At about 6 a.m., I promised myself that if I wasn't asleep by 7, I was going to get up and start getting work done. Fortunately for everyone involved in the rest of my day, I drifted off before 7, but had restless, violent nightmares until I peeled myself out of bed a few hours later. *sigh*

I have noticed that I sleep better when C's with me. I have a difficult time falling asleep without him, and I think it's in part due to some of the stuff that's coming out. A good portion of my molestation happened in bed, while I was "sleeping", and though pretending to be asleep was a defense mechanism of mine, bed and sleep itself is not exactly a "safe" place. When I'm depressed, I tend to fall into hypersomnia, which is needing too much sleep, but I do know that when I'm distressed I don't like sleep. It's a complicated relationship.

I'm a bit sad, because sleep had been a safe haven for me for some time, but now it's all wacky. I think that the reason I sleep better when C's there is because I feel safe around him. Very, very safe. Without him, I'm vulnerable again. There's no one to watch my back, to protect me, and anything could happen. (Have you ever thought about how vulnerable you truly are while you're sleeping?) I didn't realize that I didn't feel safe until I felt the opposite, and the lack leaves me restless.

I've got this movie I'm supposed to watch this week, but I'm hesitant. I'm hesitant about working on anything abuse related, honestly. I mean, I want to heal, yeah, but... most of the time it doesn't feel like it's really worth stirring up all the junk. I mean, I'm trying to live a life, here. I've got school, work, the glimmerings of a social life... I can't afford to be out of commission anymore! Maybe I've got to just take it real slow. Reeeeeeeeeal slow. I've also got a book I'm working through that I checked out of the library, and E lent me the accompanying workbook.

The thing is, ever since I started working on it, I've been aching in weird ways. My legs. My lower back. My knees and ankles. My neck.

I'm wondering if it's not a sort of body memory thing going on? (Which, by the way, research indicates that it may in fact be the fascia and not the muscle itself that is responsible for body memories!)

There's an opportunity for me to get 10 sessions of free counseling from undergrad students at the college who are working for their PhD and need hours. E's really adamant about my getting in there, and I think it'd be good.

I need to get ready for school, but I was going to delve into the realm of flashbacks, how I get them but it's not like I thought, and how C remembers a pretty intense flashback of mine from years ago that I don't recall at all. Later.

(On a positive post-script note, guess which blog author is making positive progress on self-talk and self-expectations and being overwhelmed? This one!!)

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