The Aftermath

Well, there really is none.

I saw C today, and it illuminated some truths to me.

First of all... I still love him. Yes, I do. And that's okay. Because the life that I walked away from, the life he still leads... is not the life I want. I want something better.

(He is still living in denial. He doesn't believe that his home was abusive growing up. I've talked to his mom. I've heard the stories of what happened to him... and he thinks his home was fine.)

So anyway, it wasn't awkward, as I had feared. I was exceedingly nervous, but this morning God basically wrapped me in his love, and I knew it would be okay. I went to his apartment (C's, not God's) and he was there, hair all awry because he had just rolled out of bed. We sat down, him in an armchair and me on the sofa, and we talked a bit. Then one of his roommates came wandering out, followed shortly by her girlfriend. We hung out and chatted for a while as they had their coffee, then they took off to buy cigarettes, and I seized my opportunity to say what I had come to say.

I told him that I had been doing some intense therapy and counseling the past 6 months, and that I'd had to face some hard truths about myself. I said that he didn't have to forgive me, but I needed to apologize to him for my deceitfulness, selfishness, and manipulativeness during our relationship. So I said I was sorry. He said that he had either seen what I was doing and was okay with it, or he could see it coming- essentially, he let my apology just bounce off of him and roll onto the floor. That's fine. It's his deal. But I made amends.

As a matter of fact, I think that we could even maintain a superficial friendship from here on out. The roommates came back, and we all hopped in C's rig and went to WalMart. I bought some sunglasses. Then we went to a sushi place, picked up another friend who needed a ride, and back to C's place we went. The roommates left to go shopping for shoes, and I only hung out for a few minutes more before taking off myself.

Still... it was good. I actually had fun. But I see things now that I didn't before. We don't fit together anymore, as much as I do still care for him. Our lives are so totally different... I was not comfortable in his environment anymore. Every other word from the roommate's mouths were swear words, and even C had them peppered throughout his conversation far more than he used to. Their conversation was laced with sexual innuendos, or shot straight through with crude sexual jokes a good deal of the time. It made up the bulk of the words spoken. (Not mine, though!)

I just realized... I'm meant for something better than this. So are they, but they either don't realize it, or don't want it. But I do want it. I want something good and pure and sweet. That's not what I saw today.

Will I always love him? I'm not sure. He has a special place in my heart. But it's kind of like cigarettes... The urge comes sometimes, and I could, but... why? What's the point? I would lose far more than I would gain, just for a temporary enjoyment that leaves me feeling sick to my stomach.

I didn't used to be this strong. It's pretty awesome to see the progress.

I did have to watch myself, though, that I didn't fall back into established habits... like taking his hand as I rode shotgun in his truck. I almost did at one point, without thinking.

I can't spend much time around him, or I'll just be feeding the dragon.

So, like I say, perhaps a superficial friendship can be achieved. I wouldn't dare dabble with anything more than that.