Thursday's Musings

Oh, my! What busy, busy days I’ve had.

Monday:

Try to visit museums, only to find that everything is closed, due to a long Easter weekend. Instead, play guitar in the park, meet friends for supper, and then visit the horse stables to meet their new addition, Willy.

Tuesday:

Go visit museums, think about how the Territorial Prison museum is a giant monument to sin and the futility of humanity's efforts to curb it.

Prayer over my talk that night. I’m nervous, sorta, in a weird way, but... I’ve prayed about this while I was piecing it together, so I know it’s the Lord’s words... so re-surrender it, practice guitar, and put the nervousness out of your mind!

The talk itself was good. The women (victims of sexual assault) seemed to get into it, and the feedback afterward was great! I felt as though God wanted me to sing “You Are More” (by Tenth Avenue North) at the very end, so I asked if they were okay with it, got a resounding yes, and proceeded to sing to them. I could tell it touched many hearts there. The message to that song is so powerful, especially for those of us who feel we have been tainted or soiled by our past and the sins against us... and our resulting choices.

I leave the support group and meet up with C, his brother, and their friend. We go out to Olive Garden, where they proceed to insist that I order something, and view it as a special challenge to find something I can eat. When I settle on a salad, they give a cheer of victory... despite the fact that I wasn’t really hungry, and I had brought food with me to eat. (I ended up eating most of salad as leftovers on Thursday. Apparently, none of them are salad eaters, so they wouldn’t help me out.) After Olive Garden, we went back to C’s place. I had every intention of leaving then, but he popped in a movie, and it looked good, so I stayed. It was good, as far as movies go, but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone I know, and I won’t be watching it again. There wasn’t anything uplifting in it, really, so I don’t need to stuff my brain full of it. I’ve got enough problems without a junk-food fest for the intellect. Afterward, C walked me to my car, and we parted with a few words and a hug. I’m really proud of him, and I respect him even more, because he totally respected my boundaries. The hug was a good one, but not inappropriately long. In my tired, havingjustwatchedaromanticmovie state, I actually had wished it were longer at the time. Now I’m glad it wasn’t. I’m actively in the process of surrendering those feelings that I still have for C. I don’t know if I’m doing it right, but I want to be free of them.

I also had a talk with K that morning. It was nice, if slightly awkward at times, due to the presence of others around her that we were trying to talk about. How dare they? (I jest, I jest...) Actually, it was really nice. I love that girl. It’s neat how we can do the light and happy talk of who’s doing what and what’s going on and so forth, but we can also get right down to the nitty gritty of how we’re actually doing, what we’re questioning at the moment, etc. I just wish that I could be more uplifting. It seems to me that I have nothing but questions when I talk with her, and no answers for either one of us.

Ahh, yes, and that night, as I went to sleep, I was talking to God about love and relationships. You see, I love C. The society I was raised in tells me that love prevails over all, and to follow my heart, and it will all work out. But where would that take me? Right back to my old life. I’d be losing all that I’ve gained, and for what? For a relationship with my old flame? I think not. So, anyway, I was talking to God about relationships, and how it’s been 2 years and I’ve learned so much, and how I think that I’d really like to give it a try... and what kind of guy I’d like. Just talking, you know. But I also did come to a point of surrender on this issue, too... because, truly, I want what God wants for my life, even my love life. If I didn’t care, then I’d just waltz right back into C’s arms. But I DO care. My love for God prevails over any of my earthly relationships. So I asked for the very best love story. I actually asked God to bring me a relationship. Have I done that before? I can’t recall. But I think it’s a milestone, because now I know that I can trust him enough to actually ask him to bring me that right relationship (instead of just kind of hoping it will happen), and not be afraid that I’ll get a clunker.

Wednesday:

Had lunch with E, and she made the most amazingly delicious chicken!! She shared some of the feedback from the night before, and it was good- really good! It was neat, because she’s such a strong Christian that we can have these great talks about faith and God and the reality of our depression spells but God’s goodness in the midst of it, and... I always come away from time with her encouraged. And she strongly encourages my ministry with the victims. She is sure that this is the ministry God has for me- this is why he’s given me the gifts of music, enthusiasm, eloquence, etc. It all wraps up into one package that is effective at reaching those particular people. I tend to agree with her. Working with victims and youth both light a fire in my heart that no other ministry or need can compare with. I’m a soft touch. I feel bad for every need I come across. But there is a passion that spontaneously ignites when I’m working with victims that just doesn’t happen when I’m, say, going door to door.

So, afterward, D and I met up for tea and a smoothie and just talked. I’m strangely drawn to her, even though she has so many issues... I think it’s ‘cause she reminds me so much of Mom. We talked about schizophrenia, which she has, and she explained the world of the schizo. Imagine you’ve just been told that you don’t actually have a sister. Every memory of fun times shared, every place you’ve visited, every conversation, every tickle fight, every honest to goodness fight... it never happened. Ever. Oh, and you don’t have a dog, either. They don’t exist. They’re not real.

Can you imagine that? Because to schizophrenics, that’s what it’s like. Have you ever watched A Beautiful Mind? You should. It’s very well done.

D and I talked about other stuff, too. E is really happy about our friendship, because I’m not afraid to tell D the truth, and she needs that. (I’m pleasant and tactful about it... most of the time. We are friends, after all!) She’s drawn to me, too. She says she misses me, which is rather unusual for her. It’s cool. I’m just glad God brought us together. We can learn a lot from each other, I hope.

Then, I went home and packed. D called. (Not D I just had tea with, but Alaska D.) I didn’t get to the phone in time, so he left a message, saying that he just wanted to catch up and see how I was doing, that he had gotten the letter through K and “really enjoyed it.” (What does THAT mean?!) He said that he’d called B to get my number (which I thought was a deliciously ironic twist), he hoped I didn’t mind, and that he’d try again soon. Oh, and that I was in his prayers.

So I called him back later, and got his answering machine, and I left a happy little message about how it was nice to get his message, and it’d be nice to talk to him, so sure, go ahead and try again. I’ll just be packing, anyway, or if you call tomorrow, I’ll be driving.

That was that.

Thursday:

I did my last talk at Champion church for a women’s group, where the pastor interviewed me about what I had talked about at the group on Tuesday, my personal story, and how a friend could help a victimized friend heal. I sang “You Are More” for them again, and I saw some people crying. And they gave me $50 for coming to speak! (A love offering.) That was nice. What with gas prices, I’ll need it. Then E gave me $40. I think I’m going to send that to Crystal Peaks.

I went back home, had lunch, packed up the car, and headed out for Cali. 5 hours later, I was at my destination, and I got to settle in with H for some chat time, which was great. Then, whilst checking my fb, my phone rang.

It was D.

That was fast.

Well, we chatted for about 45 minutes total. At first it was catch up, how are you, what are you doing, etc. He had just gotten back from racquetball, which I MISS DESPERATELY! (Just for the record.)

After a bit, he brought up the letter again. Hmm... He said that there were also some things he wanted to say to me before he left, but he chickened out. I told him it happens to the best of us... since I did the same thing! LOL. I mentioned that, if he preferred, he could write them in an email and send it to me, but that launched us into a discussion of how his email service has some sort of bug, and it will shut down the program as you’re typing the email... without saving it. Turns out he actually tried to write me about a half-dozen times, then gave up in frustration, called B, and got my phone number.

And here I was, prepping myself to never, ever receive an email from him. He’s not gonna write. Don’t get your hopes up. Just don’t think about it. You surrendered it, remember? It doesn’t matter whether he writes or not. You’re okay, either way.

So later on, he comes out with this: “I actually do have a question I’d like to ask you.”

Me: Oh, sure. What is it?

D: Are you interested in being more than friends?

WHAT?!

Me: Well, that’s blunt!

D: I know, but if I didn’t say it that way, I wouldn’t have said it at all.

(LOL. Just as a side note.)

He then went on to say that he had wanted to ask me, but he didn’t want to risk damaging the friendship. And even if I said no, which was perfectly fine, he wanted to maintain a friendship. And even if I said no, that I’ve already given him a good gift, which is that, in the future, he would know what type of woman he was looking for.

Can we say, “Awwwwwww”?

I replied, albeit less bluntly than the posed question.

You’ll hear about that in tomorrow’s installment of this dramatic series.

......

Just kidding. I can’t hold it in.

I replied, albeit less bluntly than the posed question, something to the effect of, “I struggled with the same problem of not wanting to hurt the friendship, so that’s why I wrote the letter, but that I had prayed about it like crazy, and that I had perfect peace about it. I went on to explain that he, too, had given me a good gift already- the surrender and growth of my relationship with God over this issue are priceless to me, and that, even if nothing ever comes of this, I treasure this experience. So... yes, I was interested in getting to know him better.”

So... I guess... I’ve got me that relationship that I asked about two nights ago. Well, it’s not an official relationship, I guess... We’re just getting to know each other better. I don’t know if that counts. But, I do know that... he likes me! :) Yes, and I like him, too.

The REALLY COOL THING was that when I out and asked, “How is this going to work? You’re moving to Alaska!”, he basically said that God had opened the doors for him to be there, but that he was not “locked in” to any one place except the place where God wanted him. We ended our conversation on the note of, “if God makes it clear that this isn’t to be, then we’re done, because we both want His will to be done, not our own.”

Actually, D mentioned how God had opened this door in a way that was unusual to him, because, in past “courting relationships”, either he had come on too strong, or she had, and they were both basically about themselves, not about what God wanted. They didn’t let God in. This time, he feels that we both allowed God to lead, and he’s happy about that.

I am, too.

The reason I was even okay to acknowledge to him that I like him is because I did my homework first, and got the thumbs up from the important people in my life. So I’ve got a few wise people to back up my decision and support me in this. I’m not alone! :)

So... yeah. What a day! I’m so tired. Time for sleep.

(Is it silly that I keep smiling to myself? It’s just that... well.. he likes me! And this is exciting. I like it. I’m a little scared, though... to be honest. Relationships involve risk- one thing I don’t necessarily leap for joy over.)