What a strange day.
Such a dichotomy of feelings and circumstances.
B admitted that he likes (liked?) me, in a sense... He started out by saying that he appreciated the card that I gave him, and that it touched his heart, and that what he wrote in his card to me, he meant. However, he had allowed himself to fantasize, but that recently he had to come to grips with reality. He realized that he is, as he put it, an old crow, and I am a kitten, and he realizes that it's never going to go past a friendship. (I readily affirmed that.)
On the plus side, I got a bag of Veggie Chips out of the conversation.
Well, it wasn't so much a conversation as a me listening to him explain himself.
I do know that our friendship is eternally, irrevocably altered.
I've been talking with J about this off an on all day, because it's just SO WEIRD!
So... I'm still in shock, a bit... and very, very tired. And sort of grieving the friendship that we did have.
Now's no time to try to process through things. But I did need to document the happenings of the day.
So, went to church, and that was good. The message was awesome-- it helped me re-focus on the hope of Jesus' second coming! I mean... it was just... yeah. I'll have to take a whole other post to talk about that one. But, suffice to say that it was awe-inspiring-- I can't wait to see God face to face! It's the ultimate kept promise, in my book. That'll be a special day for sure.
At church, the pastor and M and B got up front and affirmed me, and said how much they'd miss me, and they pulled me up front to give me a card and hugs. That was really nice. Then, they invited everyone to a church social that night in honor of my leaving! (I only found out about this yesterday, actually...) K and N were able to come, which was a treat for me. I had thought that K and I had already had our good-byes, so it was like bonus points to be able to hang out again. L gave me a present- a beautiful hand-made quilt! Talk about unreal... I've always wanted a handmade quilt, and this one is gorgeous. And when I think about the sheer volume of time that she had to have put into it... it is truly a labor of love. It means a great deal to me.
It's been surreal, this going away business... people keep thanking me for what I've done, telling me what a blessing I've been, how much they'll miss me...
What? Don't you know who I am? I'm your failure of a Bible worker. You remember- the one that couldn't hack it and went back on her word and let the whole church down? The one who "hasn't been doing ministry" for the past 6 months? What do you mean, blessing? I've just been trying to survive! I've been trying to figure God out, and you say I impacted you positively?
Who is this girl you're talking about?!
Because, truly... I don't see myself as this wonderful, glowing person they're describing, so it's really a trip to hear others perception of me as such.
And on the same token... it does a few things.
1.) It puts me in awe of you, God. I mean, if you can do that with me, then what am I worried about for the future? If you can take such a profoundly broken person and use them to positively impact so many people-without the person in question even knowing or realizing!- then what can't you do in my life?
2.) It totally fills my love tank! I mean, I'm having a hard time absorbing all this affirmation and appreciation. I'll have to come back and do a post on the different memories that I want to cherish, so I'll have them for some future loneliness (which I suspect is not too many weeks or months away).
3.) It makes me want to do something awesome for these wonderful, loving people. I want to be a better person because of this.
So while the day was full of these extremes- awkward confusion to joyful gratitude- J and I managed to squeeze in some sister time for highlighting our hair with Sun-In and a photo shoot outside. It was great fun, and so... restful. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I think it was just what I needed. (Thank you, my dear!)
Oh, yeah... and that note to D is being delivered (discreetly) by capable hands. Funny... I never had any conflict about it. Just... second guessing myself.
Such a dichotomy of feelings and circumstances.
B admitted that he likes (liked?) me, in a sense... He started out by saying that he appreciated the card that I gave him, and that it touched his heart, and that what he wrote in his card to me, he meant. However, he had allowed himself to fantasize, but that recently he had to come to grips with reality. He realized that he is, as he put it, an old crow, and I am a kitten, and he realizes that it's never going to go past a friendship. (I readily affirmed that.)
On the plus side, I got a bag of Veggie Chips out of the conversation.
Well, it wasn't so much a conversation as a me listening to him explain himself.
I do know that our friendship is eternally, irrevocably altered.
I've been talking with J about this off an on all day, because it's just SO WEIRD!
So... I'm still in shock, a bit... and very, very tired. And sort of grieving the friendship that we did have.
Now's no time to try to process through things. But I did need to document the happenings of the day.
So, went to church, and that was good. The message was awesome-- it helped me re-focus on the hope of Jesus' second coming! I mean... it was just... yeah. I'll have to take a whole other post to talk about that one. But, suffice to say that it was awe-inspiring-- I can't wait to see God face to face! It's the ultimate kept promise, in my book. That'll be a special day for sure.
At church, the pastor and M and B got up front and affirmed me, and said how much they'd miss me, and they pulled me up front to give me a card and hugs. That was really nice. Then, they invited everyone to a church social that night in honor of my leaving! (I only found out about this yesterday, actually...) K and N were able to come, which was a treat for me. I had thought that K and I had already had our good-byes, so it was like bonus points to be able to hang out again. L gave me a present- a beautiful hand-made quilt! Talk about unreal... I've always wanted a handmade quilt, and this one is gorgeous. And when I think about the sheer volume of time that she had to have put into it... it is truly a labor of love. It means a great deal to me.
It's been surreal, this going away business... people keep thanking me for what I've done, telling me what a blessing I've been, how much they'll miss me...
What? Don't you know who I am? I'm your failure of a Bible worker. You remember- the one that couldn't hack it and went back on her word and let the whole church down? The one who "hasn't been doing ministry" for the past 6 months? What do you mean, blessing? I've just been trying to survive! I've been trying to figure God out, and you say I impacted you positively?
Who is this girl you're talking about?!
Because, truly... I don't see myself as this wonderful, glowing person they're describing, so it's really a trip to hear others perception of me as such.
And on the same token... it does a few things.
1.) It puts me in awe of you, God. I mean, if you can do that with me, then what am I worried about for the future? If you can take such a profoundly broken person and use them to positively impact so many people-without the person in question even knowing or realizing!- then what can't you do in my life?
2.) It totally fills my love tank! I mean, I'm having a hard time absorbing all this affirmation and appreciation. I'll have to come back and do a post on the different memories that I want to cherish, so I'll have them for some future loneliness (which I suspect is not too many weeks or months away).
3.) It makes me want to do something awesome for these wonderful, loving people. I want to be a better person because of this.
So while the day was full of these extremes- awkward confusion to joyful gratitude- J and I managed to squeeze in some sister time for highlighting our hair with Sun-In and a photo shoot outside. It was great fun, and so... restful. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I think it was just what I needed. (Thank you, my dear!)
Oh, yeah... and that note to D is being delivered (discreetly) by capable hands. Funny... I never had any conflict about it. Just... second guessing myself.
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