So.
Here I am.
Back at the inception point of my current Christianity.
It's... kinda neat, actually. I enjoy seeing old friends, and I realize how much I have actually learned.
SOULS is also a grey area for me. It's not pure white, but it's not solid black, either. I learned so much, and gained so many skills that are invaluable to me. I also cultivated a lot of dysfunctions here... or ignored the ones that I came with.
It was glorious, but it was miserable.
I wouldn't do it again, actually, but I am so glad that I went through it.
How's that for ambivalence?
On a different note, I was talking with J on the way here this morning. I talked about the situation with B, of course. It seems that the more I talk through it, the less traumatic it gets... though I'm sure my friends and family are tired of hearing about it. J (my mentor) really nailed it on the head when she said that I had interpreted our friendship as a father-daughter relationship, so it would make sense that I feel so violated. After all, it was my "father" that molested me. Fathers aren't supposed to feel that way about their daughters. I thought I was just another abused kid to him, since he's worked with the foster system and damaged kids for ages. You'd think he would have thought about that...
So here I am, in the same situation all over again... PANIC!!
I also realized a couple other things on the drive here.
1.) D is a great guy, but I think I'd be settling. I mean, after all, I'm super amazing. Right? :)
Seriously. He's a great guy. Lord knows I like him. However, I am not content with the status quo. I wanna do something important, something... impactual. (Is that even a word?) It doesn't appear that he has the same desire. Hence... settling. We could make it work, I'm sure. But would it be everything that I want, that I yearn for? Likely not.
2.) I may be afraid of being attractive. It carries this power that I don't think I'm ready or able to handle. Take the B situation, for example. I'm thinking, If I weren't attractive, this wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't been vulnerable, this wouldn't have happened. So, if I keep my hair short (I just cut it again) and stay disconnected, that will take care of itself, right?
The only problem is that I'd be stepping right back into my old life... back into the wounds and dysfunctions that I have broken free from.
So what is the answer? I do want to be attractive. I want to be loved, just like everyone else.
I'm just so afraid it'll blow up in my face... again.
The old voices surreptitiously murmur into my ear...It's your fault. You did this to him, and to yourself. Whore. You always knew it. This is proof.
But I scream back, NO! It's not true! Get out of my head! That is NOT how God sees me. He calls me Beloved. I am his beautiful, cherished one. I am not a whore. You can't make me believe that. You can't make me...
Sigh.
Here we go again. I knew that I couldn't coast forever.
It's time to slap the armor back on and go to war.
Amen y amen.
Here I am.
Back at the inception point of my current Christianity.
It's... kinda neat, actually. I enjoy seeing old friends, and I realize how much I have actually learned.
SOULS is also a grey area for me. It's not pure white, but it's not solid black, either. I learned so much, and gained so many skills that are invaluable to me. I also cultivated a lot of dysfunctions here... or ignored the ones that I came with.
It was glorious, but it was miserable.
I wouldn't do it again, actually, but I am so glad that I went through it.
How's that for ambivalence?
On a different note, I was talking with J on the way here this morning. I talked about the situation with B, of course. It seems that the more I talk through it, the less traumatic it gets... though I'm sure my friends and family are tired of hearing about it. J (my mentor) really nailed it on the head when she said that I had interpreted our friendship as a father-daughter relationship, so it would make sense that I feel so violated. After all, it was my "father" that molested me. Fathers aren't supposed to feel that way about their daughters. I thought I was just another abused kid to him, since he's worked with the foster system and damaged kids for ages. You'd think he would have thought about that...
So here I am, in the same situation all over again... PANIC!!
I also realized a couple other things on the drive here.
1.) D is a great guy, but I think I'd be settling. I mean, after all, I'm super amazing. Right? :)
Seriously. He's a great guy. Lord knows I like him. However, I am not content with the status quo. I wanna do something important, something... impactual. (Is that even a word?) It doesn't appear that he has the same desire. Hence... settling. We could make it work, I'm sure. But would it be everything that I want, that I yearn for? Likely not.
2.) I may be afraid of being attractive. It carries this power that I don't think I'm ready or able to handle. Take the B situation, for example. I'm thinking, If I weren't attractive, this wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't been vulnerable, this wouldn't have happened. So, if I keep my hair short (I just cut it again) and stay disconnected, that will take care of itself, right?
The only problem is that I'd be stepping right back into my old life... back into the wounds and dysfunctions that I have broken free from.
So what is the answer? I do want to be attractive. I want to be loved, just like everyone else.
I'm just so afraid it'll blow up in my face... again.
The old voices surreptitiously murmur into my ear...It's your fault. You did this to him, and to yourself. Whore. You always knew it. This is proof.
But I scream back, NO! It's not true! Get out of my head! That is NOT how God sees me. He calls me Beloved. I am his beautiful, cherished one. I am not a whore. You can't make me believe that. You can't make me...
Sigh.
Here we go again. I knew that I couldn't coast forever.
It's time to slap the armor back on and go to war.
Amen y amen.
0 thoughts: