Today, I got to spend the evening with my friend J. (Yes, another J!)
First of all, I spent the night and this morning with B and his wife J. He and I have been buddies for years- he and C and I were fast friends. We were practically inseparable for a space of several years, and our friendship has carried on past the breakup of C and myself. I'm glad for that.
He's married now, which is kinda weird, but his wife is lovely. Not necessarily in the sense of physical attractiveness, but she is a lovely person. I like her very much. After B left for work, we spent a good hour or two talking. As it turns out, she was abused as well and suffers from PTSD. Because of the blogs I follow, I understand a bit more about the mindset, thought patterns, and struggles of PTSD sufferers... so that was cool. I was able to accept her, to listen to her, and not feel the urge to "fix" her... very much. It was there in glimmers, I'll admit that.
I'm just wondering- how do I "let my light shine" in this situation? Neither B or J are "religious". As a matter of fact, it's such an incredible disconnect to be flitting back and forth between the SOULS atmosphere and B's home... I can see that, had I married C, we would have a home similar to this.
Maybe my standards are too high, but I always knew I wanted something more than this. Don't get me wrong- it's a good enough life, considering the background of both the adults involved. But... it's not enough for me. I want more from life than existing... I want more than surviving. I want more happiness than I find in this style of living. They are happier than the average couple from the group we both ran with- much happier. And much more functional. But still... there's an emptiness there that I can't quite define. It's the same emptiness that haunted even my happiest moments with C. And I want more.
So how do I show them Jesus without preaching? How do I give them the love of God without being "religious"?
I'm trying. Lord, you know I'm trying. I want to, very badly. I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong.
*sigh*
I run into the same conundrum with my friend J whom I spent the evening with. He's gone back and forth when it comes to God, but I'm glad to see him more solid at this point. I just want him to know that I love him no matter what... and I don't want to push him away by being so heavenly minded that I'm of no earthly good. All the people I'm with at this point have had their fill of that.
J (B's wife) mentioned in our conversation this morning that B had told her I was "into Jesus and stuff" (LOL!), but she still had reservations, because some of the worst people are the ones that claim to be Christians.
Oh, God, I want to break that stereotype in her mind! That's so wrong! Why should people be so hesitant when they come across Christians, so defensive? They're so afraid they're going to get hurt... and it shouldn't be that way.
I realized that I've fallen back into black/white thinking again, especially in regards to my relationship with C. It is so hard for me to accept the relationship for what it truly was- a mix of good and bad, shades of grey... two people just trying to figure things out and loving each other with all they had. Is that so wrong? It happened. And there was good. And there was bad. It wasn't all either way.
No relationship will be, I think. There will always be things to work on. There will always be struggles. If I can't accept that, I'm in for a world of hurt.
And there was a lot more good than I give it credit for. Maybe I'm subconsciously making it worse than it was so that I can justify my leaving easier. But really, I need to see it in the light of reality- a tangled mess of motive and counter-motive. It's not black and white.
It's going to be weird to see him again. I hope he forgives me. I really did love him... but I'm glad I left. Our dysfunctions fit together so perfectly... but neither of us were growing much. As it turns out, he's been doing some growing since I've been gone, too. He's not stagnating as I feared! That makes me happy.
Okay. I'm going to sleep. I've got a dr's appointment tomorrow... and B and I are going off-roading. Yeah! That's one thing that I've really missed.
I miss the country. City life isn't all it's cracked up to be. I so don't fit in here. I can't wait to go home again!!!
First of all, I spent the night and this morning with B and his wife J. He and I have been buddies for years- he and C and I were fast friends. We were practically inseparable for a space of several years, and our friendship has carried on past the breakup of C and myself. I'm glad for that.
He's married now, which is kinda weird, but his wife is lovely. Not necessarily in the sense of physical attractiveness, but she is a lovely person. I like her very much. After B left for work, we spent a good hour or two talking. As it turns out, she was abused as well and suffers from PTSD. Because of the blogs I follow, I understand a bit more about the mindset, thought patterns, and struggles of PTSD sufferers... so that was cool. I was able to accept her, to listen to her, and not feel the urge to "fix" her... very much. It was there in glimmers, I'll admit that.
I'm just wondering- how do I "let my light shine" in this situation? Neither B or J are "religious". As a matter of fact, it's such an incredible disconnect to be flitting back and forth between the SOULS atmosphere and B's home... I can see that, had I married C, we would have a home similar to this.
Maybe my standards are too high, but I always knew I wanted something more than this. Don't get me wrong- it's a good enough life, considering the background of both the adults involved. But... it's not enough for me. I want more from life than existing... I want more than surviving. I want more happiness than I find in this style of living. They are happier than the average couple from the group we both ran with- much happier. And much more functional. But still... there's an emptiness there that I can't quite define. It's the same emptiness that haunted even my happiest moments with C. And I want more.
So how do I show them Jesus without preaching? How do I give them the love of God without being "religious"?
I'm trying. Lord, you know I'm trying. I want to, very badly. I'm afraid I'm doing it all wrong.
*sigh*
I run into the same conundrum with my friend J whom I spent the evening with. He's gone back and forth when it comes to God, but I'm glad to see him more solid at this point. I just want him to know that I love him no matter what... and I don't want to push him away by being so heavenly minded that I'm of no earthly good. All the people I'm with at this point have had their fill of that.
J (B's wife) mentioned in our conversation this morning that B had told her I was "into Jesus and stuff" (LOL!), but she still had reservations, because some of the worst people are the ones that claim to be Christians.
Oh, God, I want to break that stereotype in her mind! That's so wrong! Why should people be so hesitant when they come across Christians, so defensive? They're so afraid they're going to get hurt... and it shouldn't be that way.
I realized that I've fallen back into black/white thinking again, especially in regards to my relationship with C. It is so hard for me to accept the relationship for what it truly was- a mix of good and bad, shades of grey... two people just trying to figure things out and loving each other with all they had. Is that so wrong? It happened. And there was good. And there was bad. It wasn't all either way.
No relationship will be, I think. There will always be things to work on. There will always be struggles. If I can't accept that, I'm in for a world of hurt.
And there was a lot more good than I give it credit for. Maybe I'm subconsciously making it worse than it was so that I can justify my leaving easier. But really, I need to see it in the light of reality- a tangled mess of motive and counter-motive. It's not black and white.
It's going to be weird to see him again. I hope he forgives me. I really did love him... but I'm glad I left. Our dysfunctions fit together so perfectly... but neither of us were growing much. As it turns out, he's been doing some growing since I've been gone, too. He's not stagnating as I feared! That makes me happy.
Okay. I'm going to sleep. I've got a dr's appointment tomorrow... and B and I are going off-roading. Yeah! That's one thing that I've really missed.
I miss the country. City life isn't all it's cracked up to be. I so don't fit in here. I can't wait to go home again!!!
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