I'm still trying to process through this B thing. It's haunting me at the moment. Why? I can't figure out why it should impact me so.
Maybe I feel betrayed. I had so totally opened up my heart to him, looking to him as a mentor, a counselor, an older and wiser friend who could help me navigate the murky waters of life. Was it all a farce? Was I foolish? Is this my fault? Did I do this to myself?? I trusted him. I thought that it was safe to be so transparent, to ask the hard questions.
It wasn't safe. Were you just pretending to be safe so that you could gain my trust?
Maybe I feel used.
Maybe I feel violated. I feel like he saw me naked. In a sense, he did.
Why did I trust you so much?! That was so STUPID!
Maybe I feel angry. What right do you have to even think about me in those terms? I never, ever gave you any encouragement in that direction. It was never on my mind- ever. So why did you have to go and ruin our friendship, stupidhead? Now things will never be the same.
How are we supposed to work together with the youth, now? How am I supposed to just come back to work after the summer and pretend everything's okay?
Maybe I feel frustrated. Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't I just be friends with guys? Am I really so attractive? I find that hard to believe. But WHY? Why does this keep happening to me? (And yet the one guy I want to think of me in those terms... doesn't.)
And why someone so much older than myself? You're supposed to be immune to this type of thing! Your children are older than I am.
Dude. Seriously. Wtf.
Maybe I feel vulnerable. No one is safe anymore. I can't trust older men either, apparently. Now everyone is in question... I think that's the hardest thing... is that I naively assumed it was safe. Nothing could ever happen. He's so much older than I am. I can truly be myself. I can share spiritual struggles. I can ask for relationship advice. After all, he was married. He has perspective I don't have. Never thinking that the baring of my soul would create a spark of interest in the other party...
I was so dumb.
Maybe I feel condemnatory. It's my fault. I did this to myself. I did this to him. It's proof that I'm nothing but a temptress... and no matter how hard I try, I will always bring this upon myself. It's validation that the abuse was my fault.
No, I can't fully believe that. Those are lies. You know they are lies. Everyone has a free will. You didn't make B or G do anything- how could you?
God, where's the purity I enjoyed just a few short days ago? Now all of my treasured memories lie suspect... cheap and stained by the breach of trust.
And the worst part is... I don't think he knows what he's done to me.
Where once stood a friend now looms a villain.
God, please tell me that you're not going to turn out to be something other than what you have presented yourself to be. Please... I need to know that you're not changing.
You are who you say you are... right?
Please, God. I need to be held and comforted right now.
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