Midnight Ramblings

It's midnight.

Why am I awake?

I saw some friends, didn't leave until 10. Then I went to the store. I got home at 11 precisely.
Then I did fb and email check.

Now I'm here.

I'm wondering about my future.

What is this summer going to be like? Who will I meet? What photos will I take?

What kind of person will I be after this summer?

It is going to be a building block of my personhood. New experiences always are. What alterations will I have undergone (slight or otherwise) by the time August rolls around?

It's funny how I just assume that I'll still be alive.

And I also wonder... will I have met "that special someone"?

This summer is strictly for ministry purposes, mind you. Even if anything were to develop, it would go on hold until the summer's over. (And I'm going back to Idaho, so it wouldn't develop anyway... guess I've developed a sure-fire plan for emotional security.)

"And the future seems so bright, I can barely open my eyes..."

I'm standing on the brink- a yawning chasm of the next thing. I guess I'm just feeling it.

Life doesn't always continue on as it has in the past, and I'm grateful for that. If it were so, I would never heal.

I leave Thursday for this new job. I'm sort of excited, rather unsure of myself, and eagerly hopeful. I just.. really want to do a good job.

I'm afraid- afraid I'll be overwhelmed with responsibility and expectations as I was with Bible work. I can't shut down- I just can't. I can't fail two jobs in a row. (I've learned to think less of my experience with BW as failure, but still... it has that bitter aftertaste sometimes.)

But, God, you're the one that opened this door, right? You told me yourself that you always give me the power to do what you've asked me to do. I gotta believe that.

Here we go with this trust thing again...

I'm just afraid of my own weakness, is all.