Dear God,
I don’t understand what is going on with me right now.
I’m so frightened, and I’m not sure why.
Last night, after my conversation with D, I was ecstatic! Yes, the emotions were great, and I was enjoying them. The fear was there then, too... I was nervous, but happy.
Then came today, and this crashing tidal wave of panic. I’m having second thoughts, and toying with the idea of calling it off... of forgetting the whole thing.
It seems like the more people I told (trusted friends only, at this point, of course), the more frightened I became. I’ve only shared it with the family, my mom, the J’s, H, K (not exactly personally, but she knows), and E. That’s it. But I feel... trapped. Panicky.
Why? What am I so afraid of? Is this legitimate fear, or is it an unhealthy response? I know myself well enough at this point to try to process through this before I make any rash decisions.
These are the fears I can identify right now:
-I’m afraid that I mis-read your leading, and that you don’t actually want me to be getting to know D better.
-I’m afraid that I’m a hypocrite, because I had said not too long ago that I was pretty sure that to enter a relationship with D would be settling.
-I’m afraid that other people will disapprove of my decision.
-I’m afraid that once he gets to know me, he won’t actually like me anymore.
-I’m afraid it’s all ONE BIG MISTAKE!
-I’m afraid of getting hurt again.
-I’m afraid of myself in a relationship- what will I do to gain and keep his acceptance and approval?
-I’m afraid because I don’t know what I’m doing, and I don’t know how to handle myself or approach this.
-I’m afraid that all our talk about “putting God first” will be nothing more than talk.
-I’m afraid that we’ll move too fast, and become more emotionally involved than we ought to.
-I’m afraid that I’ll be fake to try to make him like me.
-I’m afraid that I’ll end up wanting the relationship to go farther than it will.
-I’m afraid that I’ll fall in love with him.
-I’m afraid that You will ask me to leave the relationship, but that I won’t want to, or that it will hurt really bad.
-I’m afraid that the relationship will turn into an idol.
-I’m afraid to enjoy it, because it might be ripped away from me at any moment.
It’s so much safer to want and not have. I’m familiar with that. I’m comfortable with longing. But now, to have actually received... I’m terrified!
I haven’t had a relationship in 2 years. The last one didn’t go well- at all. I was severely depressed during and because of it. I felt that I had to be so fake to get him to like me, so “spiritual” and good all the time... because if he knew that I don’t actually prefer to use my spare time to study the prophecies of Revelation, or that I secretly loathe door-to-door work, then he wouldn’t want me anymore. And, oh, it felt so good to be wanted... though I realize now it was not me he really wanted.
I have been myself in Idaho. The me D has seen has been the real me. I haven’t been playing it spiritual. I am who and what I am.
I guess, God, what I’m afraid of most of all is that I’m making a mistake. I’m afraid that I’m walking outside of your will. You know how terrified I am of making “the wrong choice”, and I didn’t hear an audible voice telling me to date D, so... I’m just scared. Scared that I’m turning away from you without even realizing it.
And yet, everything I’ve been through with D has brought me so much closer to you! It helped teach me to truly surrender to you. It helped me be patient. :) It helped me learn to interact with a guy I’m attracted to as a brother in Christ, not as a prize to be won or seduced.
But, you know, I’m just not sure that he wants to help people like I do. Like, I’m not sure he’s into ministry, and you know I couldn’t live a life without ministry. Then again, as E pointed out... I don’t know him well enough yet to say that one way or the other. I can’t just write him off.
I think I ought to share with him the fact that I’m scared. He deserves to know... at least I think he does. What do you think? Should I say something?
Hey, you know what? I just realized- you gave me peace about the letter! And the letter was what led him to finally take that step of asking me if I was interested! So if you didn’t want this thing to happen, well, then, you would have told me not to give him the letter, right? Because I sure was asking...
God, I just want this to be different from my past relationships. So far, it already is. But I’m so scared that I’m going to ruin it... scared to make a mistake... scared to fail...
Maybe you’re using this thing to get me to face my fear?
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment...”
What does that even mean right now? I’ve got so much fear twisting through my gut... are you saying that I wouldn’t be afraid if I were secure in your love?
And maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m so terrified of making a mistake because I’m afraid you won’t love me anymore, that you’ll punish me. If I don’t do it “right”, then you love me less. I really, really want you to love me. And I know that you do, but sometimes my heart forgets it...
You’re not the one that gives us the spirit of fear. The Bible says so. You’ve given us the spirit of love, and of power, and of a sound mind. Oh, how I want my mind to be sound... and not given over to these dumb dysfunctional thought patterns.
I think D ought to know what he’s up against... what issues this brings up for me. I don’t need to go into super depth, because I want to make sure that we’re not getting all emotionally bonded inappropriately... but I do think he should know, because it’s a part of who I am.
0 thoughts: