Appointment recap

In summary, there's progress being made with the new doctors. The rheum seems to feel that what's going on with me is "just fibromyalgia" (which I do not contest that I have), but he is more than willing to pursue diagnostic measures and check my immune responses. If it's lupus, we'll figure it out. He did seem to frown upon my pain killer usage, stating that using the types of pain killers that I'm on can actually increase pain response and cause more pain in the long run. I told him I understand that, but as the pain makes me so sick without any intervention, it's a risk I'm just going to have to take. He does not prescribe pain killers, though, so that means that I'm going to run out of pain killers (again) before my appointment on Monday with the pain specialists. It was a hefty blow of discouragement, as I was hoping for some help in that department, so I spent some time loudly crying on M's shoulder. As the day wore on, though, I was able to assimilate what actually went down and separate that from what I felt that I was hearing from them, and I'm still satisfied that I've made the switch for my care from the rheum here in town. I did break down in front of the rheum and his assistant, telling them that there is something else going on besides just fibro and that I need help and they have to help me or some such like that… I don't really remember the specifics. There was just a welling up of emotion. I had so many hopes going into the appointment, and they were dashed. I had expectations that were not reasonable, but it still hurt mightily when they were let down, so there was much sobbing, and even a muttered, "Fuck the system," that I had intended to be only in my head.

Things with the psych went even better. He told me, just as many doctors have, that I'm "unique" and "complicated". There's not just one thing at work here, but I have many elements of many issues at work, and no one diagnosis is going to sum up what we're working with. So far we're looking at elements of depression, anxiety, PTSD, and even some mood disorder spectrum stuff (more specifically, manic depressive/bipolar). He increased my antidepressant a little, so we'll see how that helps things, if it does at all.

There's another subject I want to address, but it's more serious and deserves its own discussion. Right now I'm just trying to survive on little to no painkillers, and it's nuts. I have reserved several full pain killers for this Saturday, as I've been looking forward to the ren faire for MONTHS and I'm not going to let this stand in my way. I'm going to see if we can get a wheelchair, though. The rest of the week I'll be surviving on maybe one to two a day, in increments of 1/2 pills… and I'm still going to run out before the appointment, but at least they'll see how sick I am, yes? Maybe I'll get the help that I actually need.

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