Today is the gear-up, preparation day for The Appointments tomorrow.

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I realized that I am very, very anxious about what is going to transpire tomorrow with the rheumatologist. The psychologist? I could care less. Well, okay, that's not entirely true. The psych will have control over my antidepressant, I'm sure, and that has definitely had an impact on my overall functioning. However, if I were given the choice between my antidepressant and my pain meds… I think we all know which way I'd go. Antidepressants, duh! (I kid, I kid!)

I just… I mean… I'm terrified, y'all. Just so petrified. So, so anxious that my symptoms will be downplayed again, that I'll be told I'm prone to exaggeration again, that my coping mechanisms will be called into question again (without offering any assistance or anything), that my pain won't be taken seriously again, and that it's going to be harder than filling a sieve with Jello to get adequate pain management again, and that I will just end up spending another year getting sicker and sicker and in more and more pain without anyone in the medical community bothering to figure out what's really going on. It's like… this could either be really good or really bad. I'm terrified. I don't know what to expect, but my experience with this stuff so far does not have me exactly resting at ease.

But… I will do my best to come prepared with all the information and documentation that I can to make this as smooth and painless as possible.

Besides gathering all my supplies for tomorrow, I'm hoping to be able to do some more cleaning and tidying of the house. Will that actually happen? I'm uncertain. The pain is pretty persistent and gnawing today, so we'll see. C helped me clean yesterday, mopping the floor after I swept as well as helping me make the bed after I washed all the linens. That has taken a tremendous load off of my mind. I've been bothered by the dirtiness of the floor for weeks now, but unable to do the task myself. Then, of course, I ran out of meds and wasn't doing a damn thing, so mopping was out of the question. Today, I'd like to get the dishes done (since I went through pretty much every single dish while sick, because doing dishes? Hah. Right.) and clean the bathrooms. Dusting would be nice, too, as well as putting away the laundry I did yesterday. If I only get one "cleaning" thing done today, though, it's gotta be the dishes. Well, that and my laundry. How I wish I could do it all in one blazing, glorious, Spring Cleaning type day! To think that I used to HATE the weekends because Mom would want to get all the cleaning that had been put off throughout the week done on Sunday, and of course we were obligated to help. Now I'd give anything to be able to take a day and just clean the house really well. Of course, I try to employ the method that Mom never quite got the hang of, which is tidying up throughout the day and week so it doesn't all pile up and necessitate an all-or-nothing cleaning binge. I'm sure it's harder with kids, but it's also pretty damn hard with chronic pain, too.

So that's the plan for today. Eat, clean, and be merry, for tomorrow I may want to die.

Oh, and quick side note of great importance? The local ren faire is next weekend! Whoop whoop! I'm so excited. I look forward to this all year.

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