It's all like, "Oh, you're having a good day? Hmm. That's nice. Well, what do you think about the--HIYAAAAAH! Take that! And that! I will never be silent! NEVER!! Bwahahahahahahahahaha!"
And all I can do is kinda sit there and hurt. Something tells me that this is not a fair arrangement.
It's weird, because the spasicity comes and goes. (Spasicity. It means the spasticness. Apparently, neither of those are words... but you get my drift.) I haven't been particularly stressed lately (that's a relative statement, not a definitive one, since my idea of "stress" is highly skewed) that I can think of, but it could be all the emotional irritation and anger is causing physical irritation...
Anyway, I'm gonna give my colon the what-for and do a cleanse. Whatcha gonna do now, buster? NOTHIN'. Hah.
Irritations. It's interesting how theoretical that word sounds, until you're face to face with it, and it's rubbing salty sandpaper in your metaphorical eyes.
I think, if I were to trace to the root my recent onslaught of anger and irritation and frustration, it could be boiled down to one word... irresponsibility. And maybe some OCD perfectionism, too. Seriously, I know that part of it is just my standards and my ways of doing things that maybe this other slightly hypothetical person just doesn't meet or follow, and that's okay. Slightly hypothetical person is just that-- a person. Someone distinct from myself. Thus, different. Egads.
But I don't think that's entirely it. Yes, it's a part. I'm trying my best to acknowledge, own, and work through that part. But the other part is a genuine rub against my grain. As I've been thinking about it lately, I've been trying to figure out exactly why the irresponsibility is so galling to me. I can think of a few reasons...
1. Irresponsibility was always a key trait in my abusers.
2. It seems unbearably selfish (especially to one who is always laboring under the guilt-burden of making sure everyone is happy with her-- read: "co-dependent").
3. It burdens everyone else around.
4. It brings tension and conflict.
5. You're twenty, for crying out loud! (Slightly hypothetically speaking, of course...) Shouldn't you be, like, more grown up?
6. One of the rules of "the real world" is to be responsible. It's not fair that you can totally ignore that rule and not suffer.
7. Having been on my own (and, while not "on my own" now, at least living life as an adult), responsibility is a key part of every day functioning.
8. My leadership training compels me to be responsible or the world will fall apart.
But really, I think it's the selfishness that gets under my mental skin. It's like you don't even care about anyone around you. It doesn't matter that we get the brunt end of this, that you waltz on your merry, absentminded way and we are left to pick up the pieces. It doesn't matter that we scramble to cover your butt. You don't care. And that BUGS me.
You don't care enough to think ahead about what we're going to eat... so we don't get enough, or it's not nutritionally balanced. You don't care about the person who takes a shower next... so we get Idaho winter water to bathe in. You don't care about the family's order and clockwork, or the fact that we have someplace to be (and could have already left by now)... so we wait for you to do your hair (which, by the way, is the same hairstyle you do all the time-- you think maybe you can find a faster way to achieve that look on rush days?). The rest of the world waits while you wield your can of hairspray.
And that's not fair. That's not what families are supposed to be about. And then, when we say something, we're the problem? I think not, O Slightly Hypothetical Person. Take a good, long look at yourself and see where the ripples are emanating from.
I'm not saying that I don't have problems. Lord knows I've got a passel. Just look at back posts of this blog, for crying out loud! What I am saying is that at least I care about the people around me. At least I think about how my actions will affect other people. And at least I have the guts to look my problems in the face (...eventually. lol) and walk through them, instead of attacking the ones that are trying to help me.
And that's why the internet shuts off at 9 p.m. Because we're trying to help you. It frustrates me that I am cut short for your sake... and you don't even care.
Someday, you're going to walk into the real world, and you're going to be very, very rudely awakened... and I pray that the people in your life will not have adopted your philosophy. I hope they still care.
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