"Sweet" Success

"I think you're the sharpest person I've ever met. I do 3-4,000 treatments a year, and that adds up, but you've already absorbed more information than 99% of all my patients of all ages and genders and occupations... and we've only had 3 sessions!"

Seriously? Wow. Thank you. Ummmm.... how do I respond to this?

"You girls were the treat of the evening!"
"As far as I'm concerned, there was only one act last night, and it was you."
"You were by far the best."
"Your group was the only professional act the whole night."

You're being too kind. Didn't you hear me mess up?? It was totally obvious! That alone should discredit us.

"You have the skills and talents for this job. Obviously, they want you, and you would do a great job."
"You are so gifted."
"I think you'll do a great job, no matter what you choose."
"You have such an awesome personality."

No, really. You don't understand. I am not those things! I am only a teensy bit good. I am not very talented. I mean, sure... it's there... kinda... but I'm not anything great or special. Mediocre at best. Really. Trust me. I know myself. If I accept your praise, I'm doomed to disappoint you.

My life is ruled by one, overarching thought-- I want to do the right thing. Desperately.
I am constantly second-guessing myself.
It is so hard to just pick a direction and GO! because, I mean, what if it's the wrong thing? What if I mess up? What if I make a mistake? What if I should have turned left, and I turned right instead?
What if the decision I just made was wrooooooooong?

Equally frustrating is the quandary of what to do when I get it right? 
"Wow, you did such a great job!" "Hey, you did the right thing!" Um... Thanks.
I really enjoy the affirmation, but I secretly believe that, if they knew what I knew, or if they had really paid attention, or if they just watched for a little longer, it would totally invalidate their praise. They would find me/my performance to be lacking.

I hate making mistakes. My self-worth tanks through the floor. Yet I am also uncomfortable with success. I love it, but I loathe it.

There's a guy that I've seen a few times at community functions we play for. He's quite handsome, and seems to be a solid, mature, quality guy. Plus, he's musical. I know hardly anything about him, but everything I know, I like. But inside my head, the thoughts go like this...
Wow, he's really good looking... and nice... and musical. Seems like the guy for me! Well, I wouldn't mind going on a date with him, anyway... Wait, what am I thinking? I'm not his type, surely. He's probably got a girlfriend. Maybe even married. If he knew you were ogling him, he'd be uncomfortable for sure. Why are you even thinking about this guy? Shame on you! You know he wouldn't want you. Now stop it.

And so I dream... I dream of encountering a guy who can handle my issues, who will know me for who I am and not run away screaming, or slink into the shadows, or try to change me into someone else... to shrink me down to a manageable size... I've known these people before, but they are few and far between, and I didn't yet know how to have a relationship in any form.

Okay, I've got too many thoughts going on right now. I'm going to start another post and try to sort them out. This one's too long.

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