Dear God,

I contemplated suicide on Friday. It's not because I hate my life, or I hate you, or anything like that. I was just tired. Tired of fighting... tired of trying... tired of being tired. Tired in body, and tired in soul.

Usually, my curiosity is the deciding factor between life and the taking of life. I hate the thought of not being around for whatever's next. I want to know, but if I die, I won't know. But on Friday, I didn't even care anymore. It was scary, in retrospect.

But I am tired... I'm tired of trying to make it work between us. I'm tired of carrying the weight if this relationship. It seems like I'm the one doing all the work, and you just kind of show up when it's convenient for you. That's probably not how it really is, but that's how it feels. My understanding of the events around me is totally subjective, so you're just gonna have to bear with me.

If you are really who you say you are, then I can be weak. I can throw my hands up and say, "I'm done," and you're strong enough to carry the relationship. If you are who you say you are... you can handle my dysfunctions and rough edges. You can deal with my depression. And you're okay with my imperfection. Why have I never believed this?

You've answered my Big Question a little lately, too. That's nice. I do appreciate it. I'd been wondering if you were even going to respond. But you have. That puts my mind at ease a little. The Question(s) is/are still there, but I think I'm starting to understand.

I'm scared about the future. Money worries me. A lot. That's one of the reasons why I "quit life" the other day. I'm just sick of worrying... but I'm scared that you won't take care of me. It comes back around to the Big Question again. You say that you'll take care of me, and that you'll provide for me... but where were you when I needed you the most? Why weren't you taking care of me then? How can I trust your promises now, if you didn't act on your word then?

You see why I have these problems relating to you? It's like... you say you'll take care of me... but I have absolutely no guarantee that my life is not going to explode into a million pieces and I will want to die. But yet, it's not that bad things won't happen, but you'll be there through it, right? Yes, you'll be there... standing off to the side while I wither and collapse? I don't know if I want the care that says my life can implode, but that you'll be there while it's happening. That sounds like duplicity, to me. Like, yeah, you'll be there, but you won't do anything? I don't know...

Why is this so HARD? Why can't I just suck it up and trust you?

Because my heart has been shattered so many times... I don't even have all the pieces.

Christianity is HARD. Then again, so was non-Christianity. Either way, I get hurt...


God... I want this to work so badly. I feel bad that I have all these questions and doubts and problems and wonderings and fear and hate and... all kinds of stuff. I want to be a good, trusting Christian, I do. But it's so hard for me. You understand that, right?

I know that I have some sort of trust towards you, somewhere inside... because I'm always asking you to open the right doors, and to guide my future, and asking you for guidance and whatnot... your will for my life. I do trust you, somehow... but it's not complete. I know that. But I want it to be. I want that peace that passes understanding. I want all that stuff I hear about Christianity-- love, joy, peace, happiness, forgiveness, etc. You know I want it.

I'm fearful that I'm too broken... that I'm too messed up. Can it really happen for me? Are all my questions turning you off?

And then there's this guy... I think he likes me, and I like him at least a little. But I'm scared. What if this turns into something? But how can I do this relationship thing if our relationship is so screwy? *Sigh* I don't know. I'm just so confused... about everything...

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference;
living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that you will make all things right as I surrender to your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

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