It's this God thing again.
I was reading a book about Biblical femininity- you know, submission (pretty much considered to be a dirty word in our world today). Anyway, I just have so many questions... so much hackle-raising as I read through this stuff.
I can't argue the fact that it's biblical. It's there. I know it's there. But as to what it actually means, well, that's where I get fuzzy.
I guess it comes back to the issue that I'm grappling with with God- trust. If I "submit" to my father or to my husband, I mean.... that puts me in such a position of vulnerability. It's like, they can pretty much do anything they want, and I'm stuck, right? That's kind of the picture I get.
Really, truly, the message that I'm interpreting from their well-meaning information is this: You don't matter. You have been created to be a helper. Your dreams, ambitions, goals, interests, and personality are subordinate to that of the male you have been created to help. You don't get to have a future aside from that of the males in your life. You further their goals. Your purpose in life is to work towards their purpose.
Blech.
Hey, guess what? I received the same message when I was being abused. You don't matter. Your hopes, dreams, ambitions, goals, comfort zones, boundaries, mental and emotional health... none of it means a thing. I, the male authority-figure-person, want what I want, and you have to go along with it because you are nothing. You are mine, and you do as I say.
This book actually came out and said something to that effect later on. No, not that I am nothing and worthless, but it was discussing how submission requires self-denial. And not self-denial in the sense of, "I'm going to not do something that I want to do," but self-denial as a deeper practice, as in, "denying that you have a self". Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I refuse. I am NOT about to relinquish the hard-earned individuality that I have agonized over. I have spent so long as a mask, a puppet... an empty, hollow shell. I was who everyone wanted me to be. I was not myself. And now you're telling me that, in order to be a godly woman, in order to follow the Bible and to live a happy, fulfilled life, I have to go back to that?!
No. This is stupid. I am not about to become a brainwashed zombie. I refuse to be just another one of those "godly women" who wear long skirts, sew stuff, and have babies. I won't.
Does that make me a feminist? I don't know. But I'm not giving up my personhood for the sake of "godliness". God made me who I am. I'm not about to suppress that, even if it means I never get married. I can be single. Just let me be me.
D raised an interesting point. We (D, C, and I) were discussing this whole "submission" thing, especially in light of my past. I brought up a scenario where D had discussed something with me recently, then asked that I consider a certain option. I thought about it, realized that a.) he was right, and b.) he really cares about me, so I chose that option. D pointed out that, yes, I did in fact submit to him (my father figure, I guess), but that he was acting out of a desire for my best interest. If it's working right, that's the way it should be.
Maybe that's why I'm so sour on this whole idea. So much of it is completely foreign to me. Instead of joyful submission to a loving authority (i.e. father), I was merely physically dependent on my abusers. They didn't have my heart, although they had my body.
I also realized that, if this "submission" thing is right... if it really means to give up my identity or whatever... I have not submitted to God, nor am I ready to. I hate, hate, hate the thought of being a pastel, cookie-cutter Christian. I despise the idea of being one in a thousand, mass-produced person.
If I give up my identity... what do I have left?
I'm back to being nothing.
I can't handle that.
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