A new depression

It occurs to me... that I am depressed.

It just kind of occurred to me earlier as I was contemplating, "What the heck is up with me today??"

That's a little disappointing, as I was almost sure that I'd been "cured". (I keep doing that. Only to be let down.) I hadn't had a major depressive episode since I quit facilitating the girl's group, more or less.

I mean, I'm not majorly depressed. It's weird. It's like depression... without the hate.

I could feel myself sliding these past few days, but I somehow thought that I could avert it by being kind to myself, taking care of myself... not being a jerk to myself. You know-- positive self-talk and all that. I'm doing fairly well in that arena, which clues me in to the fact that my previous counselor was probably right-- depression and thyroid problems are definitely linked.

I put the puzzle pieces together. So many of my signs and symptoms, staring me in the face, yet they all seemed like unrelated fragments, not shards of the same picture. Classic Cassandra Depression, though. Funny, that. Irritable (over the silliest things!), so tired, sleeping copious amounts, antsy/restless, night owl tendencies emerging, little to no motivation, stress/freaking out easily, wonky sex drive, appetite changes, only desire is to surf the internet, intestinal distress, disinterest/unmotivated in personal appearance, etc.

Yet... it's not like the depressions of yore. I feel out of sorts, yes. (I announced that last night, as a matter of fact. "Guys, I believe that I am out of sorts today.") Yet it's not that bad. I mean, it's not the deep, dark hole that I fear so much. It's... like trying to walk waist-deep through a bog. But I'm not drowning. And I don't hate myself, exactly. I mean, I'm bummed that I'm depressed after all my efforts to the contrary. (It sounds like I caught a cold or something! lol But really, it feels that way. Like I was just walking along, lalalala, and BAM!) I feel helpless and frustrated, like it seems that I have no choice in this matter... but... it's not that bad. I'm grateful for that. And I refuse to cut myself down, put myself down, hate myself, or otherwise be abusive towards myself.

Despite this, I will continue to be kind and considerate to myself.

I don't really know how to handle this, though. Like... do I try to push through and motivate and get stuff done regardless? Or do I simply say, "Ok, you need to just take some space to be unfocused and do whatever you need to do, since you're obviously not okay to be functioning normally"? (It seems like I'm always having to make concessions for diminished functioning, whether physical or mental. It's getting real old, real fast.)

It was just funny, though, the realization. Like, "Hey. You're depressed."

"Oh. Oh! Is that what this is? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense... explains a lot. Hmm. Oh."

I'll have to mention this to my counselor this week.

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