I am super fogged out today.

But on the bright side, I got out and took a walk!

When I awoke this "morning", C said, "You're not usually in bed this late."

He's right. I've just been so tired the last few days. All I want to do is sleep. And while walking is all good and well, now I'm stiffer and achier than I was when I got up. My legs are starting to throb.

But I am trying to take good care of myself. I'm eating regularly again, though I've switched to doing smaller amounts more frequently. That seems to be working well for now. I'll eat a light snack-type meal every three or four hours during my waking hours, and I have been including a yogurt every day to good effect. That, combined with the probiotic I'm taking every night seems to be helping my guts. Granted, I still get pain and such now and then, and I'm still passing a lot of mucous and some blood now and then, but it's nowhere near as bad as it has been for so long.

Though I have no appetite to speak of, I can tell when it's time for me to eat because my nausea peaks. That's my new "hunger" signal. It's funny, because when you're nauseous the last thing you want to do is eat, but I know that if I don't get food into my system within the next 15 minutes or so after the nausea picks up, I'll get really sick.

So, I guess I'm working out the little kinks and quirks of my body, little by little...

It is frustrating, though, to feel like you're doing your best and still coming up short.

I told C this morning that I almost wish I had cancer or something. I mean, not that I want a life-threatening illness-- no way! But I wish that I had something definable to fight against, you know? It's hard to be brave and inspired when your "enemy" is so vague... It's like, I never know if I'm fighting effectively or what. Like, is it my fault that I'm super fatigued and out of it today? Is it my fault that I'm all achy and stiff? Is it my fault? Or am I really doing everything that I can and this is regardless of all my efforts? Would it be so much worse if I weren't fighting?

And, of course, the Should Monster is taking this breach in my certainty very seriously. "You should be able to push through this and function at a normal level. You should be able to control your health problems. You should be able to push this aside and work like a normal person. You're just lazy. It's not that bad. You're just a weak wimp who is looking for any excuse to shirk her share of duties."

No! None of that is true. I am not lazy, and I function at a remarkably high level for all the crap that I have to deal with, thankyouverymuch. Just because I don't have a single, specific foe to fight doesn't make me a worthless warrior.

I am a damn good fighter. And I'm doing the best that I can.

What more can anyone ask, even myself?

0 thoughts:

Post a Comment