It doesn't feel like it was enough.
I have been so richly gifted with D's knowledge, his caring, his humor...
He has influenced and impacted me in so many ways, it's inexpressible.
I don't want to say goodbye... but I'd much rather have said it than not.
I know he won't be able to come to the wedding. I've made my peace with that.
But I just... I don't want to say goodbye.
But a peaceful sleep, a reprieve from the physical suffering? I would totally wish that on him. Death really isn't that bad, if you're on the dying side of it. It's the ones that get left behind that suffer, really.
And that's why I don't want to say goodbye... because my heart thinks that maybe, just maybe... if I don't say goodbye, then he won't die. He'll get better. He'll be the same joking, teaching, solid gentle giant that I know and love.
And yes, I love D. I love him like a father.
It's going to be a hard trip. Seeing him so sick and diminished is going to hurt.. but I want, I need to pay my final respects to the man that I respect so very, very much.
I want to be able to give something back to him before he goes... because he's given me so much. How can I possibly communicate the gift he's given me? How can I possibly repay that, even a little?
So I'll go up there, and I'll spend time with him, and I'll take care of him as much as I can while I'm there... as much as he'll allow me to :) I know I can't save him, but I do want to love on him in whatever way I can... one last time.
Dear God... I'm going to miss that man... one of my fathers... one of the best.