C,
Your letter was written with a double edged sword.
My response demands a level of honesty that can only be given by the help of God's Spirit. In an attitude of prayer I will be as honest and transparent as I possibly can be.
C, I hate with a bitter hatred what a sin sick man did to you, did to my x-wife, did to foster children we've taken into our home, and the thousands of other children who's lives have been violated; all for the perverted satisfaction of sexual desire. I have purposefully denied myself the gradification of that pleasure, in every way for the last ten years. If the lord has for me to live the remainder of my days celibate, I'm okay with that.
You used the word "platonic", that's not a word I use every day, if I understand it's meaning then I guess that is the discription of every female relation I've had since my devorce, including you. I'm telling you this just in case you misunderstood what I meant in the way I used the term “very warm affections”. Bad choice of words, I'm sorry. After re-reading your discription of how you felt by what I said, I'm feeling offended by your not giving me the benifit of doubt. I can not think of anything I ever said or did that was ever suggestive in any way. I just would not do that to you.
Although I more than qualify to be a father figure to you, I never thought of myself as that to you; thank you; I'm honored. I have considered it a privilege just to be your friend. Every time I catch myself entertaining thoughts or feelings beyond that, I do a reality check on myself by reminding myself that there is a wall between us that is 36 years thick.
My experience at the springs was VERY significant for me. Up untill that time I really was uncertant about my feelings for you, whether they were pure or selfish, I was very satisfied to realize that my thoughts toward you were for your peace and safety; not desire.
God be with you.
love you
B
STOP SAYING YOU LOVE ME!
I don't WANT you to love me! I want you to leave me alone!
So, basically, this letter means that I did, in fact misconstrue everything, that I am crazy, and that I am still not over the nasty habit of romanticizing/sexualizing relationships.
I cried when I read it. Because it means that I'm crazy. It means that I can't trust my perception of reality. It means that I'm still irreparably damaged... that I'm still acting in dysfunctional ways, even when I thought I had healed so much. It means that I'm still screwed up.
It means that our friendship actually was okay, and I just killed it.
It means that I'm panicking about my relationship with D, because if I can do something so wacko to a simple friendship, what in the world will I do to him?
Am I just so unused to male relationships that I can't bear getting close? Am I overreacting?
Something inside me says that I'm justified in feeling the way I do. I don't know if it's truth inside me that's saying that, or dysfunction.
But seriously... looking at the last letter... you don't just talk about lonely hearts and painful days and whatnot... do you?
I DID give you the benefit of the doubt! For an entire year! Until you started getting all weird on me! Don't you understand that it doesn't have to be sexually suggestive to be freaking inappropriate?!
I don't know what to believe anymore.
God... how do I love him like you love him? Seriously. I don't want to hate him. I want to love him like you love him, because you love him. I guess it's good practice...
But I still feel like he's backpedaling... at least a little...
0 thoughts: