Dear God...
I don't really know where to start.
I was so disappointed when no one was there. I wanted to cry. I guess... I guess I had just gotten excited about the fellowship I share with my group back home... I figured it would be the same. It would be a safe place... a little piece of home. Because I miss home. A lot.
I'm lonely, God. Or maybe just homesick. But I have this emptiness inside that I've been trying to fill all day... this restlessness that won't stop nagging me... and I suppose I thought that CR would fill that hole.
I know that I can expect to feel a little down, just because of traveling the past 2 days, and staying up waaaay late those 2 days... Naturally, I'll be a little lower than I would normally.
But having all this time on my hands is really driving me crazy. It's one thing to have nothing pressing to do. It's another thing entirely to have nothing pressing to do by yourself.
I can't settle down to any one thing. And having the internet here is leading to a lot of wasted time on my part... which makes me feel even worse. I hate how I feel when I've wasted a whole chunk of time on the internet. It's the soul equivalent of having eaten nothing but potato chips all day. Junk food. Empty calories. Empty minutes.
I miss my family. I really miss my family. It's going to be much harder than I thought to only have a cell phone one day a week... but at least I'll be busy inbetweentimes.
I'm going to go to the beach tomorrow. I know! Let's make it a date!! That'll be nice. I'm excited already.
I'm just so... frustrated with myself. God, I'm so afraid, all the time, and I hate it! I'm so sick of fear! I don't like how it feels, and I don't like how I can't just make a decision because I'm so afraid... and I don't like how I end up interacting with people because I'm afraid they'll _______. And I don't like how I end up avoiding you because I'm afraid that you're tired of me or whatever.
Joy and fear can't occupy the same space. I want to live a joyous life... but I feel as though I'm consumed by fear.
I don't understand what you mean when you say that perfect love casts out fear. I understand the part about fear involving torment... but I don't really understand how the perfect love casts out fear. Is this a trust thing again? It must be... for the basis of love is trust.
So... your love casts out my fear, then? But, like, how does that happen? I mean, am I just one day overwhelmed with your love and I'm never afraid again? Or is it a situation by situation thing? And what do I do about those situations where I have no Scriptures that speak to the issue? Like the song for D? I'm afraid, God. I'm afraid that I like him more than he likes me. I'm afraid that I might "smother" him. I'm afraid that he will be freaked out by the level of my investment in the relationship and leave. I'm afraid that he won't like it. I'm afraid he'll laugh at me. (Which is totally unlike him, but who said my fears had to be reasonable?) I'm afraid that he'll really like it, and I will have moved too fast, too soon. I'm afraid that the relationship will end and it will be my fault. I'm afraid of the potential for pain. I don't want to be hurt.
But I said that you are in charge of this relationship. If it ends, then that should be okay, because it only needs to keep going if it's what you've laid out for me.
I am grateful. I really am. I'm grateful that this is coming to my attention. I'm glad that I'm seeing the depth of fear's control over me, and glad that I want to change... because that's the beginning of change.
I'm still disappointed about CR... but I'm glad that I had this time to talk to you.
Please... cast out my fear. I mean it. I want it. God... I say this wincingly, but... do whatever it takes. You've got it in writing. I mean it. I'm done being controlled by fear. I want out.
I don't really know where to start.
I was so disappointed when no one was there. I wanted to cry. I guess... I guess I had just gotten excited about the fellowship I share with my group back home... I figured it would be the same. It would be a safe place... a little piece of home. Because I miss home. A lot.
I'm lonely, God. Or maybe just homesick. But I have this emptiness inside that I've been trying to fill all day... this restlessness that won't stop nagging me... and I suppose I thought that CR would fill that hole.
I know that I can expect to feel a little down, just because of traveling the past 2 days, and staying up waaaay late those 2 days... Naturally, I'll be a little lower than I would normally.
But having all this time on my hands is really driving me crazy. It's one thing to have nothing pressing to do. It's another thing entirely to have nothing pressing to do by yourself.
I can't settle down to any one thing. And having the internet here is leading to a lot of wasted time on my part... which makes me feel even worse. I hate how I feel when I've wasted a whole chunk of time on the internet. It's the soul equivalent of having eaten nothing but potato chips all day. Junk food. Empty calories. Empty minutes.
I miss my family. I really miss my family. It's going to be much harder than I thought to only have a cell phone one day a week... but at least I'll be busy inbetweentimes.
I'm going to go to the beach tomorrow. I know! Let's make it a date!! That'll be nice. I'm excited already.
I'm just so... frustrated with myself. God, I'm so afraid, all the time, and I hate it! I'm so sick of fear! I don't like how it feels, and I don't like how I can't just make a decision because I'm so afraid... and I don't like how I end up interacting with people because I'm afraid they'll _______. And I don't like how I end up avoiding you because I'm afraid that you're tired of me or whatever.
Joy and fear can't occupy the same space. I want to live a joyous life... but I feel as though I'm consumed by fear.
I don't understand what you mean when you say that perfect love casts out fear. I understand the part about fear involving torment... but I don't really understand how the perfect love casts out fear. Is this a trust thing again? It must be... for the basis of love is trust.
So... your love casts out my fear, then? But, like, how does that happen? I mean, am I just one day overwhelmed with your love and I'm never afraid again? Or is it a situation by situation thing? And what do I do about those situations where I have no Scriptures that speak to the issue? Like the song for D? I'm afraid, God. I'm afraid that I like him more than he likes me. I'm afraid that I might "smother" him. I'm afraid that he will be freaked out by the level of my investment in the relationship and leave. I'm afraid that he won't like it. I'm afraid he'll laugh at me. (Which is totally unlike him, but who said my fears had to be reasonable?) I'm afraid that he'll really like it, and I will have moved too fast, too soon. I'm afraid that the relationship will end and it will be my fault. I'm afraid of the potential for pain. I don't want to be hurt.
But I said that you are in charge of this relationship. If it ends, then that should be okay, because it only needs to keep going if it's what you've laid out for me.
I am grateful. I really am. I'm grateful that this is coming to my attention. I'm glad that I'm seeing the depth of fear's control over me, and glad that I want to change... because that's the beginning of change.
I'm still disappointed about CR... but I'm glad that I had this time to talk to you.
Please... cast out my fear. I mean it. I want it. God... I say this wincingly, but... do whatever it takes. You've got it in writing. I mean it. I'm done being controlled by fear. I want out.
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