Deceived? Still?

I just got a package from my mom. It contained a glass bottle for oil drizzling (whatever you call those things) with a teapot and teacup motif- because I LOVE tea, a beautiful homemade apron she picked up in Amish country, and a ruler with elephants that walk back and forth as you move it. I feel so loved :) It's funny, though, because, while I do feel loved, I still feel lonely... which leads me to wonder if quality time or physical touch isn't my more primary love language? Or maybe it's just that I'm out of balance right now... (The funny thing is, I was just wishing yesterday that I had a ruler. I was thinking of picking one up.)

I am having a hard time sorting through what's true and what's not right now. I'm discouraged as I face the summer, because of my health issues. Did I really think that it was all going to just work out okay? Now, as my stomach and intestines churn and cramp, I'm having second thoughts. And why this day of sickness? I didn't eat anything wrong... but it started yesterday, and is just getting worse. Is it stress? But I feel like I have a fever... I don't know. I just don't know. (I don't have a thermometer.) Did I really think that I could pull off being a counselor when I need 9 hours of sleep just to function well?

How did I ever think this was going to work?

Which leads me to question whether or not this is actually what God wanted me to do. I mean, sure, the job worked out and all, but did this happen because he saw that I wanted it so badly, and he let it happen? Or was this his plan?

And, honestly, I am feeling like an irresponsible Christian because I'm not doing ministry. Like, here I am complaining about all this free time (oh, what a horrible thing! yeah, right.), but I could be out doing something for other people instead of feeling sorry for myself.

But you want to know the truth? I'm scared of venturing outside by myself. I don't like the city. I don't like the possibilities. At first, it was all about survival- finding my way around, figuring out how to get to the store and back, trying to get my feet under me with work- I was too overwhelmed to be scared. Now, especially after my cop boss has regaled me with horror stories, I'm afraid to step foot outside. I'm even nervous when I don't have my door deadbolted. I don't want to go do stuff by myself... but myself is all I have right now. So I stay home. (Plus I don't want to spend the gas... I'm trying to save up money, here!)

And I resent the idea that I should be helping people because it's the good and right thing to do. No! If I want to stay home, I'll stay home, alright?! I don't care if it's selfish. I'll be selfish then. But you can't make me do something if I don't want to.

But I've been thinking... maybe I should call up that nice church that's close and see if there's anything I can volunteer to help with. I mean, I'm only here for like, two and a half more weeks, but I'm sure there's something I can do... I miss serving. I just am not the kind of person to go out and randomly try to find some need to fill. I like guidance... especially when I'm in a strange place, visiting. If I were home in my little town, that'd be different. (Maybe.)

Ugh, I don't know. I just don't know. Am I a bad person? Or am I merely suffering from delusions of inadequacy? Am I buying into lies? I don't even really want to talk to God right now... I'm afraid of what he'll say. I'm afraid that it's true and I'm a bad person and I need to stop my pity party and get out and do something for someone else because that's what makes you a good person. I'm afraid that I'm failing. Miserably. I'm afraid that this is some sort of test and I'm bombing it.

I'm afraid that the entire summer is going to be like this.

But, on the bright side... I'll have my school bill paid off. That's pretty much the only reason why I didn't start packing to go home today. That, and my desperate desire not to let people down.

(What the heck? I thought I got over all this stuff like, 6 months ago?)