We have internet now!!! But I still blogged... sorta. A few times, anyway.
Tired... very tired... but I know that I need this. I missed this.
What a week it has been. Has it really only been one week? It seems like half a lifetime has been crammed into these few days...
There is so much newness to fathom, to be adjusted to, to work around- a new job, new residence, new responsibilities, new relationship, new schedule... new everything, really. The only thing that’s the same is me, and even I am changing a bit.
I’ve had to come face to face with fear and insecurity a lot this past week. They seem to have a pretty tight grip on me, but I know that God can grow me out of this. I can find freedom from this, for sure. It’ll take time, but I’m willing. I’m sick of living in fear.
It taints all my decisions. It haunts nearly every waking moment. This has got to stop.
And it’s not even that I don’t trust God, because I do. I know He doesn’t make mistakes, but I’m afraid of my making a mistake. Maybe this is a deeper level of the trusting God issue? Because I guess it does come down to that... The rationale is that if I make a mistake, I will be abandoned. By who? Whoever. D, the S’s, God himself, if the mistake is big enough... If I make a mistake at work, I will be fired. If I make a mistake discerning God’s will and get into a relationship when I really shouldn’t have, then I’m on my own until I repent and get myself back into God’s favor and will. (Boy, as I’m typing this out, I can clearly see what a load of baloney this is!! It’s so hard to see it when you’re living it, though...) If I say something D doesn’t like, or take a stand he doesn’t like, then he’ll break it off. As for the S’s and my family... well, I don’t think I could ever do anything to drive them away, really. (So sad that I am more secure in their love than in God’s.)
I trust God. But I’m seeing a deeper level of trust being revealed here that I wasn’t ready for before. And if I really trusted God to this depth, then I wouldn’t be afraid of his abandoning me.
I guess this is the next thing to pray about and study on...
Oh, and I miss Idaho. A lot. Quite desperately, actually. Living in LA has taken some getting used to (especially the smog... and the traffic... and the sheer volume of people... and the materialistic availability). I can’t wait to get to CCF and live in the nature again. And I really can’t wait to get back home and commence the gardening, and the cuddling of my kitty, and the tackling of the sisters. I just miss my life up there SO MUCH! I miss our routines, and I miss the company, and I miss the familiarity of the surroundings, and I miss the “traffic jams” of five people at a stop sign.
There has been so much newness I’m trying to adjust to, and it wiped me out and stressed me out for... well... I’m still not over it. But I’m slowly but surely adjusting and learning to even thrive!
D leaves tomorrow for A. *sigh* I see both pros and cons in a long-distance relationship, but... I don’t care for the fact that he’ll be so far away. I’d like to see him once in a while. Phone calls are nice and all, but they can’t compare to a face-to-face conversation. He talks more than I’ve ever heard him talk before! (Maybe he just needed some motivation. lol) But I’d like to actually see his facial expressions and body language as he talks.
I have found out a few things that trouble me... The thing is, I struggled with the fear and the questions and the uncertainty, and came out the other side believing that God led both of us into this relationship. I’m already learning a ton (this is one of the big ways I figured out that fear was controlling me). So the quandary is that these facts do cause me concern, but... God led. So... what am I supposed to do except keep praying?
What facts? (I’d be curious, too!) He’s not a serial murderer or convicted rapist or anything. For starters, he’s older than me. I already knew that, but now that I have a number to attach to that nebulous concept, well, it packs a surprising punch. 16 years. That’s a big number. I talked to Mom about it though (and she has met D before), and she assured me that, from this age on, it really doesn’t matter. Truly. I believe her, but still... that’s a lot of years. So that’s one thing. (The interesting thing is that everyone I’ve talked to about this has expressed surprise, because he is young for his age. Not immature, but young- he has a youthfulness about him that, to appearances, knocks off about 6 to 8 years from his actual age.)
The second thing is that he’s been divorced. Twice. (He’s has a rough background, but I can’t hold that against him, because so have I.) Both of those marriages are from before he became a Christian, is what I understand.
Thirdly, he has a son. A teenage son. Young teens, but a child nonetheless.
So, I dunno. I talked to him about it earlier (that would be Friday afternoon), and how those were big things I was still praying about. I pointed out that we are both seeking God’s will, though, so it really doesn’t affect anything, because whether or not those facts were a part of who he is, we’d still be waiting on the Lord to direct.
Scary stuff, yo. I’m just going to keep praying and surrendering. It’s the only safe thing for me to do. :)
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