So what, really is love?
What I mean is, how do you know when you love someone?
And by that, I mean how do you know you love someone beyond the principle of selfless love that we're supposed to have for all mankind?
Of course, by that I mean how do you know when you are in love with someone... romantically? (Enough to marry them?? 'Cause, really, you can love anyone, when you look at it from the standpoint of "love is a principle, not a feeling". You could marry anyone in the world and love them. But how do you know when you love them?)
I went to my friend's wedding shower. It was eye-opening, to say the least. I had a few revelations.
Firstly, this whole wedding thing is A LOT of work! Yikes!
Secondly, I realized that, though I daydream about being married sometimes, and I think about my wedding... the whole sex thing is scary! I'm not ready for this! Funnily enough, I've thought in the years since I left my fiance, Hmm. I miss sex. Boy, it'll be great to be married someday so I can do that again.
But with my poor, innocent eyes being barraged by a plethora of lingerie, I'm beginning to seriously reconsider my thoughts on the situation. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of anyone seeing my body but me. Even my husband. Especially my husband. I mean... what if he doesn't like it? What if he doesn't like me? I would feel so awkward parading around in basically nothing. I'm just not that confident. The thought is very, very scary. (Aaaaand cue fear of rejection.)
Thirdly... I don't really know how to process this, but the reason that my friend is getting married so quickly is that she has, as she puts it, a little sea-monkey on board. She assured me that they would have married anyway, and that they really do love each other.
I am not as devastated as I thought I might be, but I am disappointed. I mean... she was a spiritual mentor to me in the past, and I guess I had her on a pedestal. I realized that as I was thinking about this situation. I still love her, and dearly, but now, she's off the pedestal. We're shoulder to shoulder now. And that's probably healthier. I just wish it could have come about some other way.
I told her I was glad they were being responsible about it (because my biological dad ran away and wouldn't take responsibility for his procreative capabilities).
I'm not quite sure how I feel. I had confidently proclaimed to H, "If they're getting married this quickly, then I'm sure it's because the Lord is leading. I trust her relationship with God." It's not that one mistake makes me distrust her relationship with God, I'm just frustrated, I guess. Like, why would you even do that? You know it's a mistake! You knew when you were doing it! So why?
Well... I've been in that same place, so I guess I can't talk. I knew it was wrong, even while I was doing it... but I just wanted that comfort and solace so badly, and that's where I'd always found it before (at least temporarily). I was addicted, what can I say? Definitely a mistake... a series of mistakes, rather. But I never walked away with a sea monkey.
I've thought about it, and I'm actually grateful that D and I have a long distance relationship. It protects us from the physical desires that might spring up otherwise. We can focus on getting to know each other without that distraction. (Then again, my severe apprehension about the whole sex thing might really help keep me in check, too! lol)
I go through alternating bouts of security and apprehension/insecurity about the relationship. I know I love God, and I know he does, too... but is our relationship spiritual enough? Should we be, like, praying together or something? I mean, we have, but should it be a consistent thing? Are we supposed to talk about God in every conversation? Well, we kinda do, but... I mean... is it spiritual enough? Are we doing it right? I wish I had a blueprint right about now... *sigh*
I think I can say right now that, if things continue on as they are for a good length of time... I could see myself marrying him.
Scary, eh? Yeah. Big time scary. But that's what dating is about, after all... to see if you're compatible for marriage. God brought us together, so I'm just praying and trusting Him to lead the way. He knows. I am trying to focus on enjoying what we have now, and learning the lessons that God brings up. So far, I'm still stuck on fear.
I can't help but giggle a little inwardly when I think of our conversation yesterday. Not the whole conversation, but towards the end, he said, "Oh, I found a rock for you." I was, of course, happy- I love rocks and stones and sticks and feathers and so on, so forth. He went on to describe it- it's small, but it's a perfect heart. "It's even grey!" (My favorite color- he remembered :) ) He said it might even be small enough to send in an envelope, which means I'll get it sometime during summer camp.
So, yes. My boyfriend found a perfectly heart shaped rock on the beach in my favorite color and saved it to give to me. If that isn't cute, I don't know what is! (I doubt he knows that gifts are my love language... I should probably inform him so he can be careful not to tap into that too much.)
I asked my mom that question about love that I started this post with. I asked it in the context of D, more specifically. "Mom, how do I know when I love him? 'Cause we've been dating three weeks, and I know I really like him... but how do you know when you cross that line?"
She told me, "You already love him."
"I beg your pardon?!"
"You already love him. You have a loving heart of compassion for people. You love him like God asks us to love others." She wasn't really able to answer my question fully, though, 'cause she knew I was talking about the romantic, I-wanna-marry-you love. She said she was the wrong person to ask. Lol. Yeah, maybe just a little... hehe. But I know I can be totally honest with her without fear of judgment or condemnation. Why are you asking that?! Too soon! You're thinking about this too soon! Go read some SOP and calm yourself down.
Juuuuust kidding. That's never actually happened to me. But that's the lingering fear that prevents me from freely seeking advice from some godly people. I'm afraid I'll get a lecture instead of genuine, compassionate counsel. I'm already slightly confused as it is. (I don't know what I'm doing, remember?) I'd rather not throw a whole bunch of "do it this way" voices in there and mix things up any further. I need to focus on God, on hearing HIS voice.
Oh, yeah. I wrote a song today. About D. This whole thing with my friend shook me up a little bit, so I was thinking, How do I really feel about this guy? So I wrote a song. But I'm not sure if I should give it to him or not. I really, really don't want to rush into anything, or push our relationship faster than it needs to go. It's not a mushy, romantic song. It's rather platonic, actually (at least I think it is). Uh, not that I feel platonic about D... Oh, my. This is getting confusing. I'll just post the lyrics and that can satisfy me for now. I'll pray about whether or not I ought to share with him.
I think I'm going to eat something and take a nap before I pick H up at the airport... at midnight.
I need to apologize to D. I've been adamantly insisting that I'm a night owl. I have realized that I am not, in fact, a night owl any longer.
What I mean is, how do you know when you love someone?
And by that, I mean how do you know you love someone beyond the principle of selfless love that we're supposed to have for all mankind?
Of course, by that I mean how do you know when you are in love with someone... romantically? (Enough to marry them?? 'Cause, really, you can love anyone, when you look at it from the standpoint of "love is a principle, not a feeling". You could marry anyone in the world and love them. But how do you know when you love them?)
I went to my friend's wedding shower. It was eye-opening, to say the least. I had a few revelations.
Firstly, this whole wedding thing is A LOT of work! Yikes!
Secondly, I realized that, though I daydream about being married sometimes, and I think about my wedding... the whole sex thing is scary! I'm not ready for this! Funnily enough, I've thought in the years since I left my fiance, Hmm. I miss sex. Boy, it'll be great to be married someday so I can do that again.
But with my poor, innocent eyes being barraged by a plethora of lingerie, I'm beginning to seriously reconsider my thoughts on the situation. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of anyone seeing my body but me. Even my husband. Especially my husband. I mean... what if he doesn't like it? What if he doesn't like me? I would feel so awkward parading around in basically nothing. I'm just not that confident. The thought is very, very scary. (Aaaaand cue fear of rejection.)
Thirdly... I don't really know how to process this, but the reason that my friend is getting married so quickly is that she has, as she puts it, a little sea-monkey on board. She assured me that they would have married anyway, and that they really do love each other.
I am not as devastated as I thought I might be, but I am disappointed. I mean... she was a spiritual mentor to me in the past, and I guess I had her on a pedestal. I realized that as I was thinking about this situation. I still love her, and dearly, but now, she's off the pedestal. We're shoulder to shoulder now. And that's probably healthier. I just wish it could have come about some other way.
I told her I was glad they were being responsible about it (because my biological dad ran away and wouldn't take responsibility for his procreative capabilities).
I'm not quite sure how I feel. I had confidently proclaimed to H, "If they're getting married this quickly, then I'm sure it's because the Lord is leading. I trust her relationship with God." It's not that one mistake makes me distrust her relationship with God, I'm just frustrated, I guess. Like, why would you even do that? You know it's a mistake! You knew when you were doing it! So why?
Well... I've been in that same place, so I guess I can't talk. I knew it was wrong, even while I was doing it... but I just wanted that comfort and solace so badly, and that's where I'd always found it before (at least temporarily). I was addicted, what can I say? Definitely a mistake... a series of mistakes, rather. But I never walked away with a sea monkey.
I've thought about it, and I'm actually grateful that D and I have a long distance relationship. It protects us from the physical desires that might spring up otherwise. We can focus on getting to know each other without that distraction. (Then again, my severe apprehension about the whole sex thing might really help keep me in check, too! lol)
I go through alternating bouts of security and apprehension/insecurity about the relationship. I know I love God, and I know he does, too... but is our relationship spiritual enough? Should we be, like, praying together or something? I mean, we have, but should it be a consistent thing? Are we supposed to talk about God in every conversation? Well, we kinda do, but... I mean... is it spiritual enough? Are we doing it right? I wish I had a blueprint right about now... *sigh*
I think I can say right now that, if things continue on as they are for a good length of time... I could see myself marrying him.
Scary, eh? Yeah. Big time scary. But that's what dating is about, after all... to see if you're compatible for marriage. God brought us together, so I'm just praying and trusting Him to lead the way. He knows. I am trying to focus on enjoying what we have now, and learning the lessons that God brings up. So far, I'm still stuck on fear.
I can't help but giggle a little inwardly when I think of our conversation yesterday. Not the whole conversation, but towards the end, he said, "Oh, I found a rock for you." I was, of course, happy- I love rocks and stones and sticks and feathers and so on, so forth. He went on to describe it- it's small, but it's a perfect heart. "It's even grey!" (My favorite color- he remembered :) ) He said it might even be small enough to send in an envelope, which means I'll get it sometime during summer camp.
So, yes. My boyfriend found a perfectly heart shaped rock on the beach in my favorite color and saved it to give to me. If that isn't cute, I don't know what is! (I doubt he knows that gifts are my love language... I should probably inform him so he can be careful not to tap into that too much.)
I asked my mom that question about love that I started this post with. I asked it in the context of D, more specifically. "Mom, how do I know when I love him? 'Cause we've been dating three weeks, and I know I really like him... but how do you know when you cross that line?"
She told me, "You already love him."
"I beg your pardon?!"
"You already love him. You have a loving heart of compassion for people. You love him like God asks us to love others." She wasn't really able to answer my question fully, though, 'cause she knew I was talking about the romantic, I-wanna-marry-you love. She said she was the wrong person to ask. Lol. Yeah, maybe just a little... hehe. But I know I can be totally honest with her without fear of judgment or condemnation. Why are you asking that?! Too soon! You're thinking about this too soon! Go read some SOP and calm yourself down.
Juuuuust kidding. That's never actually happened to me. But that's the lingering fear that prevents me from freely seeking advice from some godly people. I'm afraid I'll get a lecture instead of genuine, compassionate counsel. I'm already slightly confused as it is. (I don't know what I'm doing, remember?) I'd rather not throw a whole bunch of "do it this way" voices in there and mix things up any further. I need to focus on God, on hearing HIS voice.
Oh, yeah. I wrote a song today. About D. This whole thing with my friend shook me up a little bit, so I was thinking, How do I really feel about this guy? So I wrote a song. But I'm not sure if I should give it to him or not. I really, really don't want to rush into anything, or push our relationship faster than it needs to go. It's not a mushy, romantic song. It's rather platonic, actually (at least I think it is). Uh, not that I feel platonic about D... Oh, my. This is getting confusing. I'll just post the lyrics and that can satisfy me for now. I'll pray about whether or not I ought to share with him.
I think I'm going to eat something and take a nap before I pick H up at the airport... at midnight.
I need to apologize to D. I've been adamantly insisting that I'm a night owl. I have realized that I am not, in fact, a night owl any longer.
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